Several years ago I went to the Temple seeking answers to our financial dilemmas which have always been a struggle and challenge for us. The answer I received confused me. I was told to "Exercise." I kind of "argued" with that because I could not see or understand how this would help. I knew I was out of shape and lacked energy and thought maybe this was the connection. Either way I struggled with this directive and kicked against it for a long time.
I tried. I tried often. I fail at consistency which is evident from the fact that I have to write four blog posts today to be caught up. I hate this about me and am always trying to be better about it but it is really just something I struggle with.
I believe this will always be an issue. My father claims that it is my struggle with self-discipline that causes my inconsistency. Maybe. I have been accused of being lazy but I disagree with this because when it comes down to it I rise to the occasion. Also, I don't think it's about my lack of ability, or lack of desire it's more a lack of energy.
I have always struggled with depression and all the physical issues that come with that. I know I struggled in different times in my life where I can see that depression ruled my life but had no idea that's what was going on. Depression was neither recognized nor treated the way it is now. My ancestors basically self-medicated, which was the common way to deal with this dis-ease back in the day.
I was a severe naysayer when it came to the early claims of Fibromyalgia among my friends. What it looked like to me was just another way to say "depression," because many of the same symptoms accompany depression. But now I can say I am a true believer in both the side effects of Depression as well as the different kinds of symptoms that come with Fibromyalgia. I have both. Whether one beget the other I'm not sure. I actually believe my Fibro was triggered by a Shingles attack that was not treated quickly enough and just lingered until now I consistently feel like crap.
Feeling like crap is not about being lazy or low motivation or lack of energy. It's about sore muscles that make no sense. It's about feeling sharp or "prickly" pain that makes no sense. Fibromyalgia is like having a limb removed but still feeling the itch. The itch however is more of a pain, an ache or like someone is torturing you with stick pins. Yeah. I get that.
Still, I feel this drive to exercise. I want to do it. I am surprised, really Shocked! that I like running. I have been doing C25K for a bit and it's amazing. For the first time in my life I LOOK FORWARD to going running -- which I have mentioned for me is more like walk-jogging or Wogging. (Walgging?) I can't really get past Week 1 but I still like it. I am thrilled if I can go Walgging at least once in a week! Thrilled! This is more than I have ever done in my entire life!
When I was a teen I was diagnosed with Caustic Chondritis which I basically interpreted as the Wimpy-mans asthma. Basically whenever I ran, or walked too fast or worked too hard my chest would swell up, get tight and actually cause me PAIN! It was hard to breathe. I still have this but I can do the Walgging without it bothering me as long as I stay on a level surface. I still consider this a Wimpy excuse.
I am actually harder on myself than others are on me.
Last week was difficult. I don't want to whine on and on about how much pain I had or how tired I felt or whatever because it is what it is, all I'm saying is that I barely sufficed in my capacity as a mom and family member and I have learned to forgive myself for this.
I ran one day. One. Day. This made me sad. I did no strength training at all. I don't know what is going on but I increased my Gabapentin to three pills on another day (usually I take 2 pills 4 days/week and 3 pills 2 days/week and I just increased it to 3 days/week). We'll see if this helps. I felt pretty good yesterday but I also took caffeine twice. Meh. I don't want to have to rely on that to function. I timed my pain relievers to every four hours pretty much throughout the day and I managed to NOT fall asleep! AND I actually Made Dinner for the first time in a few days (since Thursday? --I did start the Split Pea Soup on Saturday, & Superman finished it).
Beh. This existence ticks me off.
I think increasing my activity is supposed to help with the Fibro but occasionally that backfires so I have to be careful. Lame.
I have decided to start Yoga. I'd like to do it every day but for now I'm going to shoot for 3 days per week. I have a 10 Minute Yoga DVD and that is totally do-able. I worry about doing it "wrong" but I'll just have to take my chances. I am flexible so I have that going for me.
I will continue to do my Walgging as often as I can, I am shooting for 2 days per week and if I have to do Week 1 over and over and over, then Oh. Well. LOL.
And, I also plan to do the strength training at least one day a week. I will have to stick with my 2 lb weights for the time being and build up.
Grrr. It bugs me to be so Wimpy!
So the GOAL for this week is to:
1: Yoga 3-7 days.
2: C25K 2-3 days.
3. Weights 1-3 days.
(The first number is the "realistic" goal, the second number is the "desired" goal. Baby steps.)
I feel good about this and in my pondering yesterday at church I felt that God has something in store for me and just by being obedient I/We will be blessed. I believe this. I believe that God Loves Me and His ideas are beyond what I can comprehend. IF I Believe that God spoke to Me then I need to Listen!
Wow Kat! I know completely how you feel. I was diagnosed with depression when I was a senior in high school and it’s sort of funny in a way because the people that live with you are the ones that tell you initially that something is wrong. So I went through a ton of different meds until I finally found one that works, which I will get to in a moment. I also have fibromyalgia, and I probably had that in high school as well. My mother has it and had it since she was in high school. When she went to the doctor when she was 17, they told her to go see a psychiatrist because doctors then knew nothing about this disease. My heart goes out to all the people who have a disease, yet you are basically told you are crazy. So I went to the Rheumatologist to just be diagnosed with fibro because I knew all the symptoms. It’s an awful thing to hurt when you are hugged or if someone pats you on the back. Your muscles just basically hurt to the touch and then again you don’t really have to touch them to make them hurt.
ReplyDeleteSo back at the Rheumatologist, I was there to be diagnosed with fibromyalgia, but the doctor thought there was more than just fibromyalgia going on. It turns out that I had Systemic Lupus Erythematosus or just Lupus. For those that don’t know, Lupus is a disease that causes one’s immune system to attack and ultimately destroy one’s body: organs like the heart, skin, joints, muscles, pretty much everything in or on one’s body is susceptible. So I know exactly how you feel with dealing with multiple issues.
For the depression I take Cymbalta 60mg 2X a day and it does help some with the fibro. I was having problems with my depression and my doctor put me on Geodon 40mg 1X a day to help the Cymbalta work better and it does help! I am on Gabapentin 400mg 3X a day and 4X if I’m having a bad fibro day and Skelaxin 800mg X3 or X4 a day for the muscle spasms. Now my Lupus is another story. I took Prednisone and Plaquinel for a long time, but fortunately I got to stop the Prednisone because it made me blow up like a blimp (went from a size 4 to a 12!) and the doctor put me on Methotrexate just recently, which is a chemo drug but it helps with Lupus because it stops the production of cells in one’s body. Even though I have 70ish lbs to lose, I feel so much better mentally and physically.
Working out though is really important for people with depression because it gets those endorphins going, which makes you feel good, and it helps with the fibro. It’s funny too because the thing is I really enjoy working out. I think it’s that whole you want something that you can’t totally have. Or you can’t have it the way you want it right now because I just want to be able to go out and run as long as I want or walk for hours without my leg muscles feeling like they are in a tunicate and they get so tight I can barely limp home. The thing that I have found is you have to listen to your body and start out a regime slowly.
ReplyDeleteIncrease time or weight each week, but unfortunately I’ve found that if I start slowly I will stick with it than if I just blast my way into cardio and practically kill myself because I want this weight off so bad! Still though, some days I can run for 45 minutes and others it’s just 10. It makes me frustrated and I know it’s the fibro, but you have to listen to it or you are going to be sorry the next day, as I’m sure you know. I like to push myself too, but having all these problems, I just feel lucky that I can get out of bed, because depression and fibro can both take you down if you let it. Girl you just got to fight the good fight and not give in! There are so many people that just get on disability and give into the disease. Only though God’s Grace and His Strength can I live a semi-normal life! Haha! Also Yoga is soooo good for fibro patients. It helps to stretch us out and it has a calming effect on our psyche, which helps with the depression. I do lots of yoga and you will find that once you do that dvd for a while, because sometimes yoga is hard starting off, you will need to move on to a harder dvd or maybe even join a class! That’s one of the best feelings ever!!
So I know exactly how you feel with the depression, because it is an everyday battle. People think just because you take medicine you’re 100% better, but we know that’s not true. Some days are better than others. That goes with the fibro as well, and it’s hard for people who don’t have it to understand. They don’t realize that if you take 1 finger and press down on your skin that it hurts more than it should and at that point where you press it’s like a ripple effect, the pain grows and grows around that area until eventually it calms down. I feel lucky that I can talk to my Mom about fibro because she completely understands. I understand that you have to vent and you’re not a wimp and like I said it does take baby steps. Just keep that in your mind! I’ve also learned not to listen to what others have to say like other family members or friends because they are not YOU. They don’t know how you feel or what your day has been like or what kind of stress you are under! Anytime you need to vent or chat just email me because I DO know how it feels. Thanks for posting this and getting the word out there! I’ll be praying for you!