kmduvalois's Xanga

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Head to Page

I am constantly having blogging ideas running in my head but *making* the time to actually create the post AND post it has been a bit of a challenge for me. I should have at least five more posts because that's how many I've made notes on. [insert eyerolling image here]
Maybe now that we'll be back on our normal routine of school and work I'll *make* more time to write? Hahahahaha... Okay, so the holidays are approaching and the *more time* fallacy is quite a joke, but still... I have goals. :)
So stay tuned... I'll get on the bandwagon yet!

Sunday, November 16, 2008


When other people have them they don't work for me. LOL But I have them. I don't have a lot and they mostly all occurred before my 18th birthday so why are they relevant now? I guess they are only relevant to my children. There are things about me I don't want them to know... yet. I think it's too much. Then again when I find out secrets about my mother I'm not too shocked, okay, well, maybe a little but I guess it depends on the secret.
Secrets that my kids have bother me. I understand that my teens think they have a "right" to privacy. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Okay, sorry, but I don't agree. I'm sure I thought that when I was a teen but I didn't have a cool parent like me. haha My girls are constantly telling me, "I can't tell you," and I hate it. I really hate it. I want to know everything. I want to know what they are doing, who they are talking to, who they like, who they don't like, who their friends like, etc. etc. Actually, I think it's important for me to know this stuff. How can I be a good parent if I don't know that the reason they want to go to XXX house is because YYY is going to be there and their life might end if it doesn't happen.
Last night I told Kimberly that she couldn't go to the Homecoming dance. She can't date so I thought, Why should she go? She started crying. Oh boy. So, of course, I changed my mind and we made arrangements for her to go. It was fine. It was benign (she told me she didn't even dance with any boys but stayed with her girlfriends all night). Okay, so what was the big deal. I guess the big deal is that I don't know what she's being exposed to. I don't know what kind of music they will play. I don't know what boys are going to "hit" on her and if she's open to that or not. And she doesn't tell me much. That makes me kind of sad.
Emily is the worst though. "I can't tell you," is almost a mantra of hers and makes me want to roll my eyes every time I hear it, oh, and SMACK her too! Of course you can tell me, I'm your MOMMY! Who else will listen and care? Well, all her friends listen and care. This morning she kept saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," to her friend and I wanted to know why. I wasn't told. "It's not my secret," she says, but even if it was she probably wouldn't tell me. Boo hoo.
I'm told I like to share secrets. What? Who me? I do not share stuff that I know is a secret but I admit to sharing stuff I know because I don't think it's a secret. My niece told me that people shouldn't have to tell me, "That's a secret!" I should know. Huh? I don't really keep secrets so I don't get it.
But that's not true either. I keep secrets about money I spend. I keep secrets about my friends, and sometimes my family (when they ask me to, of course). And, as mentioned before, I keep secrets of my past. I did tell my girls a story from my teens this morning when I was trying to ingratiate them to my way of thinking (that they should tell me everything) about when I snuck out to go to a party at the beach. When I got home my mother pried my mouth open to sniff it to see if I had anything to drink (I hadn't). I thought that was horrible. I still think that was horrible. I don't blame her in a way, but truthfully it wasn't me that did all that crap to make them not trust teens, it was my brothers. Then I did do stuff because they weren't trusting me anyway. They never let me do anything fun (like go to drunken beach parties!) which is why I let Kimberly go to the Homecoming dance. Because, really, she doesn't keep that many secrets from me. And I trust her.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Pain in the neck...

So the disintegrated vertebrae in my neck have really been bothering me lately. My mom made a comment to me recently about the kinds of jobs I could get and said something about working the stock room being bad for my back. I had to scratch my head a bit over that one because I forgot that I frequently suffer from severe sciatica. So in addition to my aching back I also have a pain in the neck. Those two things keep me from doing a lot of physical activity. I do worry about exascerbating either problem and have been know to avoid things because I am "afraid" and that can be annoying, at best.
I am considering going to the dr's and asking them to do the "surgery" that was recommended to me years ago when the disintegrated vertebrae were discovered, but I am afraid of that too. I love rollercoasters, but they kill me. I end up in bed for days. I love to walk, I've walked all over Europe and Asia, but I'm "afraid" to now because it worsens my lower back pain and I end up in bed for days.
As a mother of five children being in bed for days is not a good thing.
One day and the kitchen is over-run with dishes, crumbs, left-out (and now trash) food, miscellaneous papers, even clothing, shoes and towels end up all over my kitchen if I'm not out there to curb it or clean it up. So being down and out for even a day is not a good thing.
So I take a lot of aspirin. This helps curb the pain but does not remove it entirely. I don't know what living "pain free" means anymore. Many people, including myself, think that a lot of my problems would or could be solved if I lost weight. I suppose that's true about my back, and my knees, but not my neck. I don't think losing weight would re-integrate my vertebrae. I actually don't know what they do, that's part of the fear. Of course. The not knowing is always a fear.
The idea of being down and out kind of frightens me too. Who will do it all? If I can't, who will? I have no idea so that's a legitimate fear.
I also believe my whacked out hormones contribute to my pain. Menopause sucks, just in case you were wondering. The hot flashes are not fun. Just this week I was HOT but my feet were ice cubes, for three days! That is not something I enjoy. It's possible that if I lost weight my hormones wouldn't be so whacky, but there aren't any guarantees on that either, considering my age.
This week I did something to help rectify my weight issues and one of those was to buy two new DVDs for working out at home. Both of them are circuit training, which I love because I tend to get distracted easily and lose interest. What was I talking about...??? Oh right, exercising. The other thing I got was a trial of Acai Berry and a gastric bulking agent. I love experimenting with my body. BTW, so far nothing has worked and there is no miracle out there. Bummer, huh.
Today I want to write. I'd really like to be left alone but I don't think that's going to happen. I have two teen daughters that think it's my job to cart them around. I have three boys that tend to think the same thing. They either want to be taken somewhere (that inevitably costs money) or they want someone to be picked up, which means more work for me.
And more work for me is never good. It's a pain in my neck!


I am a journal-er. I always have been. I think I got my first "official" journal at the age of twelve and I still have that one. It took me several years to fill it up because while I had that one I also filled up notebook after notebook. It was mostly my day-to-day boring life activities, but also I would share my thoughts about life, religion, food and my concept of "self."
I am also an avid reader. I love, Love, LOVE to read and romances are my favorite. My favorite author of all time is Jane Austen. Her technique of unraveling a story while revealing characters traits and flaws appeals to me as well as her classic heroes and heroines.
My favorite contemporary author is Jennifer Crusie, because her stories are complex and her characters dynamic. She is also very funny and her novels climactic scenes are comical, complex and fulfilling, in every sense.
I have lots and lots of story ideas, many of which are hidden inside my multiple journals but most of which are lurking in my mind dying to get out. My characters are constantly moving around and evolving in my head and every now and then I will see something or think of something and have to rush for pen and paper to jot down the epiphany before it is lost forever.
Typing comes easy for me, easier than trying to write longhand so I've decided to start this *blog* (even though I have a bit of an aversion for blogging) because I have running monologues in my head and I just need to dump them out! So here I am, for all the world to see and critique.
I just needed to do it. I want to be a writer, and technically I am a professional writer because I have been paid for my work but not in the way or manner that is my dream.
I dream of embarrassing my family by having a raunchy romance novel parked on the checkout stand at the grocery store. I want it to SCREAM my name and have everyone I know blush because the cover is so Not Me. That just makes me want to laugh! :)
So this blog is for my brain-draining. And I appreciate any and all visitors.