I suppose there are lots of ways to say this; reason, passion, “why.” Sometimes I wish I could let it go, just live my life and take what comes and be content. I mentioned in my Gratitude post that I have been discontent and a lot of that comes from feeling that I have not and am not reaching my potential. I feel that I have a purpose greater than just existing. I think I matter. Arrogant of me, isn’t it?
However, I feel that every living being matters. Everything, all things that have an energy source influences others with energy sources. I think the gift of being human is the ability to communicate, build relationships and grow. I think that people that stagnate must be miserable. I could be wrong. I only really know how I feel and I have struggled with my purpose for a very long time.
So, what kind of influence do I want to be? What kind of influence do YOU want to be?
I do believe my role as mother is important. I think my kids are intelligent, fascinating individuals. I enjoy them. I enjoy their quirks. If I never ever publish a thing or do more than post a few blogs I will be satisfied with my children. They are brilliant and exciting and I am so glad I recognize that.
I adore my husband. Sometimes I think it’s disgusting how much I love him. He challenges me. He inspires me to be better. He teaches me. He humbles me. [Insert riotous laughter here, because anyone who knows us knows how much we are like rotating magnets sometimes!] I am learning to embrace my role as wife, and now, homemaker.
I have finally, FINALLY, found peace in my search for a “career” in that I believe that staying home and being a mother and wife and homemaker is a worthy and valuable occupation. I am now working to hone the domestic skills I have for so long disdained as beneath me. I am actually embarrassed to admit that. I have always admired women that enjoyed their role as stay-at-home-homemaker, wife and mother. I could not seem to be happy with that. I was always in pursuit of something more. Recently I have finally figured out that I don’t want more. I am content with that. It’s kind of weird, actually.
I am also at peace with my desires to be a writer. It is not a “hobby,” nor is it necessarily in pursuit of the capricious dollar. I write. I blog. I Facebook. I Twitter. I hope to finish. I hope to publish. I hope to get the recalcitrant $-advance-$ that has so far eluded me. If nothing else, I hope to complete a project, or preferably, many projects. My ideas excite me!
I know my purpose. Finally. At last I have some peace when it comes to my life and my destiny.
As I said before, I have envied those that never questioned their purpose. Those that have been comfortable with what they have been given, and maybe I have been mistaken in believing that more people exist that have this understanding than actually do. I don’t know. What I know is that I am not a young twenty-year-old college student, which is when I would have liked to have reached this point.
However, I am satisfied that I have reached it at all and am now pursuing only those things that fall within the realm I accept as my responsibility. All else gets extracted or at least set aside for a later time when I can include that aspect back into my schedule.
As the preacher wrote, “To every a , and a to every purpose under the heaven.”