Several years ago I went to the Temple seeking answers to our financial dilemmas which have always been a struggle and challenge for us. The answer I received confused me. I was told to "Exercise." I kind of "argued" with that because I could not see or understand how this would help. I knew I was out of shape and lacked energy and thought maybe this was the connection. Either way I struggled with this directive and kicked against it for a long time.
I tried. I tried often. I fail at consistency which is evident from the fact that I have to write four blog posts today to be caught up. I hate this about me and am always trying to be better about it but it is really just something I struggle with.
I believe this will always be an issue. My father claims that it is my struggle with self-discipline that causes my inconsistency. Maybe. I have been accused of being lazy but I disagree with this because when it comes down to it I rise to the occasion. Also, I don't think it's about my lack of ability, or lack of desire it's more a lack of energy.
I have always struggled with depression and all the physical issues that come with that. I know I struggled in different times in my life where I can see that depression ruled my life but had no idea that's what was going on. Depression was neither recognized nor treated the way it is now. My ancestors basically self-medicated, which was the common way to deal with this dis-ease back in the day.
I was a severe naysayer when it came to the early claims of Fibromyalgia among my friends. What it looked like to me was just another way to say "depression," because many of the same symptoms accompany depression. But now I can say I am a true believer in both the side effects of Depression as well as the different kinds of symptoms that come with Fibromyalgia. I have both. Whether one beget the other I'm not sure. I actually believe my Fibro was triggered by a Shingles attack that was not treated quickly enough and just lingered until now I consistently feel like crap.
Feeling like crap is not about being lazy or low motivation or lack of energy. It's about sore muscles that make no sense. It's about feeling sharp or "prickly" pain that makes no sense. Fibromyalgia is like having a limb removed but still feeling the itch. The itch however is more of a pain, an ache or like someone is torturing you with stick pins. Yeah. I get that.
Still, I feel this drive to exercise. I want to do it. I am surprised, really Shocked! that I like running. I have been doing C25K for a bit and it's amazing. For the first time in my life I LOOK FORWARD to going running -- which I have mentioned for me is more like walk-jogging or Wogging. (Walgging?) I can't really get past Week 1 but I still like it. I am thrilled if I can go Walgging at least once in a week! Thrilled! This is more than I have ever done in my entire life!
When I was a teen I was diagnosed with Caustic Chondritis which I basically interpreted as the Wimpy-mans asthma. Basically whenever I ran, or walked too fast or worked too hard my chest would swell up, get tight and actually cause me PAIN! It was hard to breathe. I still have this but I can do the Walgging without it bothering me as long as I stay on a level surface. I still consider this a Wimpy excuse.
I am actually harder on myself than others are on me.
Last week was difficult. I don't want to whine on and on about how much pain I had or how tired I felt or whatever because it is what it is, all I'm saying is that I barely sufficed in my capacity as a mom and family member and I have learned to forgive myself for this.
I ran one day. One. Day. This made me sad. I did no strength training at all. I don't know what is going on but I increased my Gabapentin to three pills on another day (usually I take 2 pills 4 days/week and 3 pills 2 days/week and I just increased it to 3 days/week). We'll see if this helps. I felt pretty good yesterday but I also took caffeine twice. Meh. I don't want to have to rely on that to function. I timed my pain relievers to every four hours pretty much throughout the day and I managed to NOT fall asleep! AND I actually Made Dinner for the first time in a few days (since Thursday? --I did start the Split Pea Soup on Saturday, & Superman finished it).
Beh. This existence ticks me off.
I think increasing my activity is supposed to help with the Fibro but occasionally that backfires so I have to be careful. Lame.
I have decided to start Yoga. I'd like to do it every day but for now I'm going to shoot for 3 days per week. I have a 10 Minute Yoga DVD and that is totally do-able. I worry about doing it "wrong" but I'll just have to take my chances. I am flexible so I have that going for me.
I will continue to do my Walgging as often as I can, I am shooting for 2 days per week and if I have to do Week 1 over and over and over, then Oh. Well. LOL.
And, I also plan to do the strength training at least one day a week. I will have to stick with my 2 lb weights for the time being and build up.
Grrr. It bugs me to be so Wimpy!
So the GOAL for this week is to:
1: Yoga 3-7 days.
2: C25K 2-3 days.
3. Weights 1-3 days.
(The first number is the "realistic" goal, the second number is the "desired" goal. Baby steps.)
I feel good about this and in my pondering yesterday at church I felt that God has something in store for me and just by being obedient I/We will be blessed. I believe this. I believe that God Loves Me and His ideas are beyond what I can comprehend. IF I Believe that God spoke to Me then I need to Listen!