kmduvalois's Xanga

Monday, June 24, 2013

Not Whining About Forgiveness...

In my quest to not be a whiner (and to blog every day) I am writing today about forgiveness. As a parent, specifically. Forgiving our parents and forgiving our children. 
I'm not about expectations. I think they are appropriate in certain settings, like school for instance, as there is a level you want to reach before adding more information or learning. But when it comes to behavior I believe expectations should be outlined pretty clearly and when they aren't followed or aren't followed as specifically as you hope then you need to let the rest go.
There are definitely lines that can be crossed as a child or parent, abuse for instance is unforgivable in the sense the you should never allow yourself to be in the position to be abused again, but that doesn't mean you never ever forgive the abuser. You need to forgive to let go of the poison in your mind but it's not a carte blanche for more abuse. Never!
I think the way for forgiveness is through understanding and empathy. When you become a parent you realize that your parents probably did the best they could with what they knew (this philosophy is very similar to the way I feel about regret). We all make mistakes. Nobody will ever be the perfect parent. Anyone who thinks they can or will be is mistaken. Your children will find something to criticize no matter how much you try to be unlike your parents. Actually, it's kind of funny how that works. You try to Not be like your parent and your kids will still find something you did wrong. It's inevitable. It doesn't mean they don't love you but it does mean when they are a parent they will, in turn, probably do things differently than you and their kids will --inevitably-- find something wrong. 
I pretty much guarantee that.
The point is that we must learn to forgive our parents for being weak and human and faulty. I truly believe that they (generally) try their best and we have to give them kudos for that. 
My Aspirations are not high...
It is us, the unforgiving, that ultimately suffer when we don't forgive. It doesn't mean you have to be close or even have a relationship (as I stated above, NEVER allow abuse to occur) but you do have to forgive or it bogs you down. 
I am always hoping my kids will forgive me. I try to be a good mom but I know I fail. I know my kids love me and there are aspects of my relationship with my children that I know I excel at but others... well, let's just say I hope when they have children they will see how hard I tried to be the best I could with what I knew and know. 
More than anything I want them to know that I love them and in my fumblings as a parent I only want them to be happy and more successful than me. That's my goal, and I believe the goal of any good parent. 

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