Once I had a dream that I was part of the cast of Friends. It was a Thanksgiving episode and I was helping. There I was in Monica’s apartment helping stuff a turkey and chatting about pregnancy with Phoebe. Then I woke up. I was sad because I was not part of “the group.”
This seems to happen to me a lot. Even in my “generation” I’m off. I’m on the tail end of Boomers or the beginning of GenXers depending on who you talk to (this quiz has my birth year as 1957, & I can tell you that is wrong!). I identify with both. It’s kind of weird, but also it makes me feel lonely, isolated.
I guess I also feel lonely because it’s hard for me to truly open up. I used to. I mean, I do here. I have no secrets (nothing really juicy, that’s for sure) but I have felt for a long time that something is “wrong” with me. I have been kicked out of mom’s groups and PTA and it was really my fault. Okay, well not the mom’s group, but the PTA one I can own. A group that I thought loved and accepted me kicked me out and that hurt. Also, I have never been part of a clique. I don’t know if that bothers me or makes me glad that I’m “so unique” that I can’t fit in with a group.
I have been part of a few online groups (that actually physically meeting makes me sick to my stomach) that make me feel accepted but for the most part I think I must be tweaked. I think that if these people met me in real life that I would no longer be welcome. It hurts but it has happened often enough that I really believe this.
Then I think,” That’s Crap!”
I know I’m a good person. I try really hard not to judge others. I accept everyone as they are and have (almost to a fault) been generous with my love and time (when possible). Sometimes, though, the work of being “okay” is tiring. I struggle with so many other things (my health, Crackle, marriage, family, work/school) I feel like it’s okay if I isolate myself a little bit. You can’t be hurt if you don’t stick your neck out. Sometimes I just don’t want to take the risk. I can’t take any more hurt and rejection. It is too much.
I have been betrayed. In small ways, in big ways. I have trust issues and it makes sense. I wonder if most people have trust issues. How can you not? It’s not that I don’t want to participate with the human race, but I just want to feel safe. Also, I need to know that my children are safe and that is not something I will mess with anymore. So if that means I’m a hermit, so be it.
I already mentioned how much I love my family; my husband, my children, my parents, my brothers… I have an ideal in my head that we could all live near each other like in the old days but it isn’t happening. They all moved away. We chose to stay in California. Superman had a good job and we chose not to risk that. He still has a good job. The same job. So I make my own family from friends, church members and sometimes extended family.
I guess I just wish there was more. Like the Universal Positive Regard talked about in this blog. I love the way they respect each other and different points of view. I love that they rally around each other and buoy up the weak with their “vibes” and good thoughts (which really works!) and I am sad that I missed the opportunity to be part of that community two years ago when it was forming. My bad.
So that feeling of belonging... yeah, I don't really get that. I don't know if that's good or bad. What I know is that I am striving to be My Best and that's all I require. It hurts that I cannot be all things for all people, but it is so.