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Sunday, September 9, 2012


Two things I am so very, VERY grateful for; 
1) my absolute BFF/should-be-my-sister, I will call her Gypsy. She is an extension of me but unlike me in many ways. She is gifted in so many ways and I love being the recipient of her immense talent. (Hello Award Winning Cake, why yes, I think I’ll have another slice—low carb, sugar free & sometimes gluten free, I might add!) She helps me see clearly. She helps me focus. I have no idea what I would do without her. No idea. She lives 2 hours away.

2) is an online group I was graciously invited to by my wonderful niece.  My two nieces are like little sisters to me and I love them dearly. They live too far away for me but they rock and I adore them (and the three babies too!). This group is amazing to me. We are all over the country, from Vermont to SoCal and all the places in between. I have no idea if we would work if we were living near each other but online it works wonderfully and I treasure the friendships I’ve gained there. They make me feel okay. They help heal the hurt I feel from the rejected mom group.

This is my family.

I know that my church membership helps when I am in need but they have not always been there for me. I sometimes feel lonely there but I think it might be about me. I’m not sure. I am insecure in my abilities to be a good friend. I struggle with commitments and following through. I commented recently to someone about how much I love doing Book Fair. The elementary school is doing one soon and I always want to participate (if it’s about books, I’m IN!) but usually something comes up (Crackle) that prevents me from serving the way I want. 

I cannot sign up to make food (at church or in the community) because I’m lucky I get my own family fed (this has more to do with me not liking to cook than anything, but also about money). I don’t sign up for help moving or cleaning (usually) because I avoid things I know will cause me physical pain

I used to. I don’t anymore. I don’t participate in things that involve money because I never have any. This is the same reason I have issues with offering rides. Did I mention that I tend to run out of gas? Yeah. It happens a lot.

I don’t really feel like the people at church judge me. And, honestly, for the most part I do not care if they do. I think when you pass judgment on someone you are really hurting yourself. 

I do feel insecure about it only because I think I have Social I.Q. issues. I don’t think I pick up on nuances that other people do. I think I am kind of autistic when it comes to social situations and that makes me feel awkward. It’s not that I feel judged; it’s that I really have no idea. And I think I say and do things that are “wrong” and do not have a clue! I think I’m being honest. I have no idea what other people think of it.

Also... I am mostly deaf so a lot of times I just can't hear you. It's frustrating.

For the last few days I have been feeling “off” and I do not know why. Am I happy? Do I know what that means? I suppose if I had to define “happiness” I would actually call it something closer to “peace.” Peace comes to me when I am living in accordance with what I believe. And I suppose I am not there which is why I am taking on this project of writing in my blog. These are the things I need to address. I know I am blessed because I can find things to be grateful for regardless of what is going on, but I am not at peace.

For me to achieve peace I would need to live according to what I know is true. I would need to have enough money* to meet the needs of my family as well as some wants. I would need to know that I am doing what God wants me to be doing WHEN he wants me to be doing it. I do not feel that way. I have not felt that way in a long time. 

Does peace mean living honestly? Maybe. Does living honestly mean that I might step on toes? I think it means living a life that reflects the deepest truths. For me that would be Love. To love others and serve others. To be the hands to hold up when others hands grow tired.

Hmm. Do I sound as trite as I think I do? Love makes the world go around. I don't know about that but I do know that it is a Universal Truth and the Powers That Be like it when we show love and kindness toward one another. 

*I mention money in relation to finding Peace because my constant worry about money is part of what causes me so much consternation. It hinders my ability to be the true person I want to be. Lack of funds hinders my ability to bless others. Money stands between me and my ability to behave in a manner I believe a Human should behave. That's really the long and short of it. 
Money is the devil. Or it is an Angel. 

Either way I am frustrated by it. And I wonder if that's just part of life. Another thing I'm not sure about.

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