I am beautiful.

Generally speaking. Specifically, I would say that my eyebrows are kind of out of control, my weight fluctuates between Ooh! And Ack! My mood swings should not be taken into consideration, in my opinion. My wardrobe is fun, if not mod (because that would just be weird).

I have great feet. I like to brag that my feet are the same size they were when I was 12. They have never changed, actually. A little swollen when pregnant and a little smaller after losing weight. If only I’d kept those adorable boots I had in high school! They are back in now, of course.

I think beauty matters in that it’s a reflection of how you feel about yourself. And then it’s a definition of beauty. Culture defines many aspects of what society might call beautiful but if you believe you are beautiful then you are, I think. Because truly what makes a person beautiful is the reflection of what is inside on the outside.

As my former Early Morning Seminary (church class) Teacher used to say, “Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone!” She used that phrase to trigger our memory of the scripture in 1 Samuel (she taught me more than I ever thought I needed to know about the Old Testament, she was Awesome!) chapter 16, verse 7: “… man looketh on the outward appearance, but the  Lord looketh on the heart.” I guess that concept stuck, because that is what I believe. We need to look at the heart to understand the true beauty of a person.

Yes, I have become addicted to Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. It’s true. I cannot deny it. I just recently wrapped up Season 3, episode 10, “Amends.” In this episode the vampire Buffy loves, Angel, is tormented by the souls of those he tortured and killed. One of the things they tell him is that he was chosen to return from Hell to kill the Slayer because of his cruelty. He didn’t just kill and feed like other Vampires, he actually tortured them, taunted and tormented them; physically and mentally. Having been “cursed” with a soul by a band of gypsies to pay for his crimes, he actually feels so much remorse for his behavior that he decides to kill himself by going into the sunshine.

When Buffy finds him she says several things that just smacked me upside the head. She accused him of quitting because quitting is easier than fighting every day. Fighting to be good and choose good is harder than giving up. Wow. Then she tells him that she didn’t kill him (again) because she loved him. What she doesn’t say, but what I got from the speech (freaking amazing dialogue btw) was that she loved him because she saw good in him. Regardless of his horrible behavior at any other time in his life, she saw the Good. She loved him for who he was on the inside. She believed in him. This is what I’m talking about. This is the Beauty on the Inside that matters. It matters.

Oh, and that’s why I’m addicted to Buffy.

I love makeup and I love dressing up (I don’t mean like formal dressing up, just like every day dressing—yeah I’m weird like that), I love getting my hair done, I love shoes and purses and other accessories but they don’t make me who I am. None of those things make me who and what I am on the inside. They are actually barely a reflection of who I am. I wonder sometimes if I am even lovable but what I do know is that I do fight to be good. I fight to do good and I fight to be an example of Good. Maybe not by my actions (as far as being out there and being seen giving service) but by being encouraging and telling others how I feel or how I deal. Or don’t deal, as the case may be.

I have long believed that my goal as a writer was to uplift and empower women. I want women to embrace their beauty, their sexuality, their maternal and other feminine attributes and become someone. To become themselves. To love who that person is and becomes and then spread that joy to others. That is true beauty to me, spreading the love, the acceptance and the connectedness of humanity to others. 

Ergo... I am beautiful. You are beautiful. Go Be Beautiful!