Grief. Again...

Today is Beauty Tuesday but I have something else on my mind. 

I came across a blog I wrote a while back that I didn’t post. Another one about grieving. I’m not sure exactly why it’s on my mind. 

I am back on the Gabapentin for my Fibromyalgia and the first dose throws me for a loop and I woke up feeling dizzy and off. I wanted to walk/run Pop to school since I don’t have a car (long story) but I could barely get up so I called someone. She was wonderful about it, as she always is. So I will have another day where I don’t have to go anywhere. I will tell you that I got dressed; I’m not in my PJs although I could be. I’m actually wearing long sleeves and my fluffy slipper-socks because I’m cold. It’s supposed to be above 70 today but it’s 67 in my house and that’s nice. Not cold, not hot.

My sister in law shared a beautiful story with me once. I couldn’t find it anywhere so I don’t know where it originates from. But it’s about a woman who is grieving for her child. She prays, “Lord, I am faithful. Please restore my son to me. I am alone and need his presence for my grief is too great.” The Lord says, “Woman I will restore thy son after you have gathered a dozen flowers from the gardens of those that have known no sorrow.” Thinking this an easy challenge, she accepts. Time goes by and eventually the woman returns to her home. “Where are the flowers?” the Lord asks. The woman responds, “I could not find a home that has known no sorrow or grief, but I have found others whose loss is greater than mine. I will live with my lot.”

We do not know what burdens or grief others carry in their hearts. We all have heartbreaks. Mine include the loss of my brothers. The loss of an infant niece. The loss of a beloved aunt, an unknown uncle and my dearly loved Granni. Not to mention the more recent losses of a wonderful and worthy young man, a sweet friend and a much-loved brother-in-law. I also carry the grief of having a child that will always require work. He will never have all that my other children will have. That is what I grieve for.

I remember after my brothers died our church women’s group had a few people come and speak. One of them was an author whose book helped me greatly during this process. She wrote about the grieving process through an LDS perspective. We grieve differently and it was helpful to know I was normal. 

They also invited a lady to speak who depressed me. I guess everyone has different ideas about what helps or inspires but this woman was awful. When she spoke she just read from her book manuscript and everything she talked about was depressing and discouraging. She related how she had prayed for spiritual growth and her answers came in the suicide deaths of her children. What? That was all garbage to me. I believe you can receive growth through death but I do not think the Lord required their deaths for her growth. That’s back-@$$-wards to me!

One of my heroes is my sister-in-law, the one mentioned above. She lost her baby and her husband within a month. Both possibly preventable and avoidable but all in retrospect, what good does that do? She has remained faithful and positive, even through personal health crises. She blows my mind. Through all this she has created grief support groups and always been willing to help and council with others who have endured similar losses. She is amazing!

Today I came across a wonderful quote; Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something. Everyone. We do not know what burdens others carry. We do not know.

Grief is loves way of not wanting to let go. Why would we want to let go? Most humans worry about being forgotten. They long for some kind of legacy. In an interview with David Foster that I saw recently he said that his music will live long after he is gone. What a legacy! How gratifying to know that something you created will immortalize you to this world. 

How grateful I am that I believe in another world. I can “let go” to a certain extent because I do believe that I will see my beloved family and friends in the next world. I do believe that we continue on and that we can love and be loved beyond this world. Who I am becomes my legacy. How I live my life becomes my gift.  If my words touch others than I am happy in the moment they are touched.

Yes, I still grieve. But my grief is laced with joy as I consider my future. I miss them, that is the part of my grief that still exists. I miss them now and that’s normal and okay. It’s okay to continue to miss them. When Lazarus died, Jesus wept. Even though He knew he could raise Lazarus from the dead, which he did, he still wept. He wept for those who felt the loss of this good man; he wept for the sisters, he wept for himself. How beautiful is that? It tells me that it’s okay to grieve and that nobody can tell me how to grieve or that my grief is lesser or greater than another’s. It is my grief. I will feel it and grow from it the way and at the pace that I can, and the Lord knows this.

This is what I believe.