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Monday, May 2, 2011

Who am I?

I used to know who I was. I used to know what I wanted. I used to be able to accomplish things and make commitments. I used to feel up to the challenge, whatever it was. Now I feel like every little thing is a major accomplishment.  It’s not that I cannot do it, it’s not that I will not do it, it’s more a combination of both. I choose what I will and won’t do. I choose what is most important and some things are chosen for me.

I am Katrina. I love to read. I love to write. I love sunshine. I love swimming. I love lemonade and Diet Coke. I love peanuts. I love bread and potatoes but I don’t eat them anymore because they make me feel bad (sick). I love Randy, my husband. I love romances and mysteries. I love my family, my parents, my nieces and nephews. I love my brothers.

I am a mom. I have five children. My oldest is now turning 18 (this week) and my youngest just turned nine in March. Each pregnancy took its toll on my body. I have stretch marks and scars. My three boys nearly killed me, which is why I don’t have more than five! The first ten years of my marriage are a blur because of babies and diapers and nursing and late nights and early mornings and laundry, Laundry, LAUNDRY!

I am a housewife. No, I’m not married to a house. I prefer Home-Maker. I am making a home for my family. A slice of heaven. A place of peace to rest and relax and not feel the anxiety and pressure of the outside world. I am not sure I am truly successful at this job as I know my husband still feels stress. I know clutter and dirt make this difficult for all of us. I try. But, the Laundry. Ugh.

I have Depression. I believe it’s genetic. I am medicated but not every day is good. The medication makes it easier to cope, it is not a “Happy Pill.” I struggle with sleep; either not getting enough or getting too much. I struggle with motivation, like doing even the things I love to do. I struggle at different times of day, at different seasons of the year and at odd times every day.

I am overweight. I lost over 40 pounds in 2009 but I can’t seem to lose the last 25-30 pounds. It’s making me crazy. I hate to sweat. I don’t really like exercise. I have never felt that “Runner’s High” or the release of endorphins when I exercise. All I’ve ever felt is tired and sore. Supposedly exercise helps with depression but for me it only makes me feel worse. And the anticipation of exercise is even worse! LOL

I have a son with 48 chromosomes. He has Klinefelter’s Syndrome XXYY variant. I can’t really tell you what all that means except that he’s difficult. He has to be taught everything. From how to walk to how to lick his upper lip; he had to be taught. He is almost 13 and is sometimes out of control. I’m no longer embarrassed by his behavior but it does frighten me. I am afraid for when he is older and bigger and might actually hurt himself or someone else.

This is my blog and I am hoping there are other women (or men) out there like me. People who struggle with who they are and what they are supposed to be doing. We are humans. We have faults. We struggle. I’m looking to not be struggling alone.

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