kmduvalois's Xanga

Saturday, March 23, 2013


I want to get back into my commitment. I have let my blog go as I wrestle with my health, my kid (Crackle), school and just, I don't know, winter lazy. I don't really believe in "lazy" but, yeah, that's how it's been since I have not been feeling well enough to do very much.

Chronic systemic pain can be stifling. Bummer.

Yesterday I found Emily Eddington on YouTube and I am trying very hard to not got back to her page today. I Must. Do. Homework. I Must. Do. Laundry.

I have at least one Guest Blogger post to put up (sorry Julie!) and so many more in my head. 

My goal for my blog was to be honest. I am putting myself out there, saying things "that are better left unsaid," (thanks Dad!) because I want to empower others. Every day is a  struggle for me just to function. Depression, Fibromyalgia, the overwhelming responsibility of having a special needs child, sometimes renders me un-functional. I hate it. I also know it's okay. It's okay for me to fail because I believe in second (tenth?) chances and starting over... and over, and over... just trying to get "it' right. I don't know if I'll ever feel like I've "made it," because my goals are so big and so much more than I can actually DO right now, which is more frustrating than I can express. 
One thing I can say is that I never quit. Doors close on me but that doesn't mean I quit. 

It looks like it will be another year before I graduate. I am killing myself to try and get everything done to do my student teaching by Fall 2013 and it's not going to happen. It's just not. So I cannot graduate until that is finished and it's not going to be until next spring. Disappointed? Yes. Very. But I'm not in a place where I would be looking for a job right away anyway. And maybe now I can work on my MFA applications (they might let me start even though I haven't technically graduated). We'll see. Doors close, but windows open. I believe that.

Today I have done all that I tell myself to do in the mornings. I have read my scriptures, journaled, listed my daily GrAttitudes and caught up with my social networks (even work ones!) and that is my Morning Goals. I struggle with that on weekdays because of being interrupted. 

I am in pain. My entire right side is killing me. It's horrible. And no amount of Excedrin/Advil is doing the trick. I see my doctor on Tuesday and am planning on getting some Gabapentin if nothing  else. This not-being-able-to-function nonsense is for the birds. Bleh. and ARGH!

Superman is out of town. I told Snap he could go to Six Flags. Crackle is doing his disappearing act daily and I cannot stop it. He apparently got into an altercation yesterday and came home believing someone was after him. Lovely. Maybe today he will stick around and I won't have to call the police. [crossingfingers] Pop is bored. Oh. Well.

So there it is. In all its ugliness. I am determined not to be unhappy today. I am striving to CHOOSE to be happy in spite of feeling overwhelmed, in pain and frustrated with everything around me. It's a struggle. I am not convinced that it's a choice every day for me, but today I am making that choice and ByGollyByGosh I'm trying. 

That's all I can ask of myself. And it's less than I would ask of others.


  1. Quite all right. I was a little bummed that I was on vacation and not able to get to my Boutique page and post the link to the new blog post... so kinda glad it didn't go up so that whenever it does, I can post about it :)


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