When I made the decision to commit to the challenge of writing in my blog every day I knew I would face challenges. One of the reasons I made the commitment was to prove to myself that I could keep the commitment.
This week has been tough. Not in the the My kids are driving me crazy way that is normal in my life but in the Holy Cow I'm exhausted and I have no idea what to say way. And things are only going to get more intense in the next few weeks because I am also committed to writing 50,000 words as part of National Novel Writing Month in November. It's all part of the bigger plan to expand myself; be more honest with myself and my voice. It's all part of embracing my true self and Doing and Being the person I want to be.
I knew I would be challenged. I have a very hard time getting things done without immediate pressure. I have to work so hard to keep my commitments to others I have a harder time keeping commitments to myself; which is what this is. And Honestly, I could throw in the towel, who's going to say I can't? Nobody. The only person I am accountable (really) in this is myself. If I don't do this though, then I feel there are a lot of other areas in my life where I just need to let it go and move on to something else and I am not ready to do that. Probably not ever.
I have been thinking lately about legacy. The idea of immortality through that which we leave. I visited the cemetery where my brothers are buried yesterday and had a pleasant visit with their marble headstones. Cemeteries are very peaceful places. I watched a documentary about cemeteries and how they are turning into parks almost. Not like a park where you ride your bike or skateboard or swing but where you can sit and meditate. They have art festivals and special tours in some cemeteries. Interesting.
Cemeteries themselves have become a legacy. Which is the point, really. Wandering around among the markers (you cannot really call them "tombstones" anymore since they are flat and all) and reading them. I read the dates, I read the little blurbs that are sometimes on them. One of the things this place has started doing recently is providing small benches by random trees that are a purchased memorial. Those are relatively new.
Nice. Peaceful. Meditative.
I was thinking about my legacy today. Obviously I think the most important legacy I leave is my children. Obviously. They are by far my greatest work, however, they are subject to their own freedom to choose so even if I have taught them all my amazing knowledge, their application of said wisdom is only as good as their ability to LISTEN to me! Haha! (Sorry, Mom plug...)
Anyway, other than my children and ergo descendants, my only legacy will be whatever life I live and whatever contributions I make. My influence may end up being very small, like within the confines of my family. That's okay. Or, my legacy may extend, to others who enjoy the genre I might fit into. Right now it would be "Common 20th/21st Century Housewife" and I'm not sure I want that to be all. I want more. Is that pride? My desire to want to give more to generations that follow than just what I have learned and communicated via my journals (be they online or in paper/pen)? I don't know if it's pride but I know I want to be heard, and maybe remembered.
I do believe in life after death. I don't believe our existence ends at death. And maybe it's my faith or maybe it's my ego that believes that I will matter. I do matter. To someone. And it is that someone that keeps me going. It is that off chance that something I say here, something I write in my fiction, something I say in a class or on a social media site, touches someone, changes their course or keeps them on a certain path or veers them off into a direction they need to be going. I don't know but it is this thought that drives me.
I have been touched by so many. I cannot number or name those that have touched my life. Some, mostly authors, will never know. Others, I try to give back what they have given me either by promoting or paying it forward. Those are the things that matter to me. The legacy I want to leave is the one that said to Love others, be kind to others and treat others fairly even when you aren't treated the same. Love yourself. Embrace your power and wield it wisely. That's all part of what I want to be remembered for.
And if I stop writing then nobody will hear it. So I cannot stop. I needed to hear it so I think maybe someone like me is out there waiting and I need to be the one to say it. So I write. I fumble through a blog post. I am going to plug away at Nano without my thesaurus because I can do it.
I Can Do It.
I AM A GREAT WRITER.