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Monday, August 27, 2012

I Am What I Am vs. Who I Want To Be.

I am not having an identity crisis.

I know who I am. I am Katrina. I am a daughter, sister, niece, wife, mother, aunt, grand-daughter, cousin.

I have five children. They need me. They will always need me and I would not have it any other way. One needs more from me than I am always capable of giving and this is difficult. I am striving to finally find a balance between Who I Am (now) and Who I Want To Be.

I am losing Me. 

I don't mean in that *good way where you serve and benefit from being of service to other humans (particularly your family) but in that way where your identity and purpose flounder. The struggle makes everyday activities almost impossible. 

I avoid commitment.

I am a hermit. It's easier than saying, "Yes, I'll do that," and then having to cancel because something came up beyond my control. Usually Jacob. 

I suppose I could believe that this time will pass, but it may not. And if I'm not here to keep it going there will be nothing left for me to give.

That's what I'm afraid of.

I am a writer.

Writer's Write (did you know that?) yet I am not. 
Do you see the fiction novels on the shelf nestled between Jude Devereaux and Janet Evanovitch? Yeah, that's where I belong. 

I know this. I have known it for a very long time.

Because I am a great writer! 
(Thanks Lani & the Cherries for always reminding me!)

I am not "in it for the money" because that's silly. 

I am in it because I have stories to tell.

I have thoughts, ideas, and dare I say opinions, about women, and love, and sex [gasp!] and the power we not only do not realize we have, but we generally give away! What? Yes. We GIVE it away.

No. No. No. No. No!

Embrace your power! Know who you are and what you have to give and then GIVE!

That's what I want to do.
That is Who I Want To Be.

*Matthew 16:25 KJV

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