Why I Write.

Lately, when I've had time, I've been finding that I don't want to write. It's bugging me. I am a writer. Still, when my kids ask me what I want to do when I grow up I say, Be a Writer! It's just part of who I have always been. So maybe I'm having an identity crisis? I don't know but lately, I don't wanna...

I don't like feeling like this. I don't know how to make it go away. It's not so much that I don't know what to write (I have so many ideas it's mind-boggling) or even that I don't have time to write (because I believe you make time for what's important) but really, why write? Like what I have to say or how I want to say it is not important. I don't mean in the grand scheme of things, I realize that as a Romance writer I am telling love stories with happy endings. I like that. I like Romantic Comedies. I just don't know if it's important anymore. It used to be, and I want that back.

The reason I want to write romance (here we go) is because I do believe in happy endings. I don't mean the kind like in fairy tales, that's nonsense, but in the kind where a girl meets a boy and the stars align and fireworks go off and they prance off into the fading sunset... which turns into a harsh desert landscape filled with dirty diapers and unpaid bills. *snort* Then that sweet young couple has a "Come to Jesus" moment and they fall in love again and again and again... or maybe they don't. Maybe that couple experiences a hiccup in life that skews the HEA. Maybe one of them dies. So then we have another story. Woman meets man... 

I believe in love. I believe in "true love." I don't believe in "Soul Mates." I believe that time, place, personal preparation and experience are all part of the picture. I believe some people never feel that "true love" feeling and that makes me sad. I also believe that some people feel it several times a day (or it seems that way). And eventually, I'd like them to have an HEA as well. Or maybe, I'll write a story about a woman that just needs to learn to love herself. I like those too. Not every woman needs a man. Even in my head!

So is that important? Does it matter? Should I just write them down anyway because they're there? I think I should. I just hope I'm not wasting my time. And maybe that is what's discouraging me. Maybe I'm just afraid. I'm just afraid I'm wasting my time. 

So, go ahead. Please tell me I'm not. 

I'll wait...

Who Am I?

There are lots of things about me that people don't know, maybe they do because I talk about them, write about them and often post on social media about them. Still, I think there are things people don't know. 

1. I believe in myself, most of the time. 
Having a caveat to believing in myself means that I have room for improvement. I think I'm worth the time it takes to develop a good habit and I think good habits are healthy. The *most of the time* means that I often forget that keeping up with good habits will, ultimately, in the long run, make me happier. 

2. I believe in God.
I am grateful for my faith. I am also grateful for my Faith. I am a Mormon. I believe in all kinds of *crazy* stuff like ghosts, angels and afterlife. I believe that I am loved. I believe that I am important to God but that he doesn't make an *easy* path for me (or anyone) just because I believe. I believe that Jesus is my spiritual brother and that he came to earth, lived and died for all mankind. It's pretty heavy stuff, and a little *out there* if you think about it, but I believe it. 

3. I believe in marriage.
I don't think marriage is easy. I think the pinnacle of society is the family. I think children deserve to be loved, cherished, cared for and taken care of. I believe it is a parents job to teach their children how to behave in society, how to succeed and what is important. 

4. I believe I'm a writer.
I don't do it often enough. I don't blog enough. I don't spend enough time on my *stories* and I don't spend enough time writing my personal story for my descendants. But I spend more time than a "non-writer" and I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how I want to tackle this particular "skill." I know I need to write more and I'm working on it.

5. I believe in being healthy.
I don't "diet" per se. I've talked a lot about that. I do believe in being fit. I do believe in taking care of our bodies so they can perform to their upmost ability. I do my best. I am a little lazy in this department for a variety of reasons. I dispute certain diagnoses since the undermine my desire to be better. 

This is my focus for this year. These are my "goals" because I have identified who I truly believe I am and who I want to be.

Goals and Writing

It’s the end of the year, as I was reminded by one of my online game opponents (who happens to be a bookkeeper), and a time to assess and reassess and see where I am and where I want to go. Some areas of my life are what they are. I accept it with an eye toward the idea of changing over time, or accepting whatever may be may be… “Que sera, sera,” if you will.

I’m all about bettering myself. If there’s a book out there about some real or imagined flaw that I find in myself (or possibly pointed out to me by a very observant, and caring “friend”), I am one of the first people to buy that book! Although, I admit, I am not a huge fan of self-help books. The most recent book I purchased for self-help was called “Getting Things Done.” It’s still only partially read. That’s one thing I need to put back on my To-Do list. (Yes, I get the irony. Is now a good time to mention all the books on procrastination I have yet to read?)

Okay, so where am I going with this? I’ve been thinking… A dangerous pastime, I know! I’ve been thinking about my writing. I don’t want a lot. My life’s dream would be to make enough money to just help my family out a little here and there. I don’t need millions, or even tens of thousands of dollars. You know, like maybe five thousand. A year. Okay, maybe three times that a year...

But I’m not going to make anything if I don’t get things finished.

So my goal, or one of them anyway, is to write every* day. I plan to use my blog kind of like a jumping off place. Call it my warm-up. Writing exercise. At least in one area of my life I can get whooped into shape, right? I am, unfortunately, easily overwhelmed, and if you know anything aboutmy life, it’s nothing if not a bit complicated at times. So I’m going to be gentle with myself, forgiving. I want to reach my goals and not be mad at myself. I’m almost done with school, but that’s for another post.

*I need to note that by "every" day I mean that I need to have a weekly goal so that I feel accomplished. So even if I start out getting 1,000 words a day--maybe even working up to that? I know I've tried to do 2,000 a day and that proved to difficult for me at the time. I don't want to write on Sundays, and it's difficult on Fridays and Saturdays when Superman and the other super-heroes are home--not excuses, reality. Anyway, so the weekly goal would be 5,000 words a week. (And my blog writing will not go toward that goal, it's extemporaneous.)

Gratitude Part 3

Took me a while but I got it together. Here is the Grande Finale!

Day 25: The Christmas Season

I wish I didn't have to wait until after Thanksgiving to "start" Christmas. I told my kids maybe we should be like the rest of the world so we could jump straight from Halloween to Christmas! Why wait, right? This picture is from last year. This year we've put the tree up in a different spot. It's less intrusive, I think.

Day 26: The pup, Ellie-Mae Claire

I wrote before about how I had to re-home my beloved dachshund and about a year ago our only other dog ran away. We are a dog family and have always had a dog. Since we are renting I thought we were going to be a dogless family until we got into our own home again, but when a friend posted that she had these lab mix pups I mentioned it to Superman and we checked them out. HE fell in love with this beauty and she's been ours since June. She is part of our family like no other dog has been (not even my Bailey, I am sad to say) since Hubs and I were newlyweds! Haha!

Day 27: Baking, my one true "talent"

I have a lot of things I like to do. I used to do a lot of cross-stitch. Sometimes I knit. I sew a little, but not well enough to show you anything. (Not like my mother!) One thing I can do is bake. I like to bake! It's been a while since I've really put time and effort in but every year I make these Sweet Potato Crescents (apparently since 2000!) and they are always my contribution to Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner!

Day 28: Happy Thanksgivukkah!

This year I joined my BFF, Gypsy, and her family for a Thanksgiving/Chanukkah celebration. It was awesome. We had a fried turkey, latkes as well as traditional Thanksgiving fare (I made the mashed potatoes, a ton!), but mostly it was the celebration with friends. Superman went to visit his sister for Thanksgiving and I was happy to spare him (this one time). My parents came also and we had a great day! 

Day 29: Lazy Days
(Our Black Friday)

 I don't do "Black Friday." It's way over-rated and my "personal space" issues don't allow for big crowds and mean people. We did go to Target for a bit and to see "Catching Fire" (Awesome! but I cried through the whole thing) and out to eat, but then we came home and relaxed. It was great!

Day 30: Jesus Christ

I have already mentioned reading my scriptures, my membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and going to church. Bottom line though is my belief in Jesus Christ. He is the reason I do all the other things. I am beyond grateful for my Faith. I believe it is a gift to believe in God and more. I believe that all the other good things in my life have come because of this faith and it is also the reason I can endure the not so great things. 

I don't think I will be doing this kind of gratitude posting again, but I will probably come up with another way to show my gratitude. Although I love jumping to Christmas, I am grateful for the time I spend being grateful and recognizing the good in my life. 

The Gratitude Project, Part 2

I have to admit I'm having way to much fun with this. As you'll see with the pictures that follow:

1. The BFF/PLLAATSABIDSA

2. Wikipedia

3. Where I live, Acton, CA

4. Feet, particularly my feet

13. I am lucky to have been friends with Gypsy since either before or since I was born. Our moms were best friends and we grew up together much like sisters. We have been fortunate to keep our friendship and it has flourished over the years.

14. Wikipedia is kind of an odd thing to be grateful for, but I thrive on learning and it gives me a brief overview on a subject and use that information to find more information. It's a little crazy but I am extremely curious and it satisfies some of that.

15. I love living in Acton. It's small, rural and people take care of each other here. We moved here about seven years ago and I love it. Acton feels like home, like no place I've ever lived in my life.

16. Can you tell I was feeling a little desperate for ideas when I posted about my feet? The truth is I do like my feet. I have worn the same size shoe since I was twelve. So I can say I can still fit in the shoes I wore in high school (and I might still have them too)!

1. Family Movie Nights

2. My oldest son, Captain America, aka The Cap

3. Middle son, Hulk

4. Youngest son, baby of the family, Batman

17. We love to watch movies and some TV shows, but mostly as a family. We love to be together and be entertained. It's the time together and making jokes about what we watch later. 

18. How much can I say about my kids? My oldest son is awesome. He is Captain America to me. I rely on him for so much physical help. He is a good kid and I'm proud of all he does.

19. My middle son is my challenge but I feel perpetually blessed because he is part of our family. Hulk was born with XXYY chromosome disorder and as a result I have a full-time job keeping up with his needs. He is worth it.

20. We were done having kids when we had Hulk. Then we felt there was another member of our family and decided we would have another, God willing. That's how Batman came to being. He is a joy to have around, a bit precocious but a delight. (I'm sure his siblings would disagree, but I find him a Joy!)

1. Princess, my baby girl

2. Our oldest child, Sunshine

3. Having a roof over my head

4. Going to church

21. Our little Princess is every bit a Princess. She's sweet and sassy; fun and flirty, and just wonderful to have around. She was gone last year for several months but decided to stay home and go to school this fall. I love having her around, when we see her...

22. Sunshine is not living at home these days and I miss her terribly. Poor child got all our mistakes and parenting fails and yet she still seems to have turned out mighty fantastic. She's working, going to school and basically supporting herself. I call that a Parent Win! 

23. While I complain a lot about what our house isn't, I am thankful to have a house and to live where I want to live. It's not horrible just a lot of wasted space. That space, however, keeps our home cool in summer, which has its value.

24. Finally, I posted some pictures of church. I serve the little kids (18-months to 3-years-old) and I love it. I've been there a while and some are telling me it's time for a change. I'll be sad when that day comes. I love the recharging I receive from going to church. 

Six more days!

The Gratitude Project

Maybe you've seen them and noticed everyone posting the things they're grateful for over the last week or so. For the last few years I have been posting my Gratitudes daily during the month of Thanksgiving (November) and this year I decided I would do it in pictures. I'm thinking I will do a summary every 9-12 days.

Here are the first 12 days...

1. My family

2. My daughters (Sunshine & Princess)

3. My husband (Superman)

4. My daily devotional; scripture reading, journaling and gratitudes

My family is basically the center of my universe. My main job is to take care of them so I suppose it's the first thing I'm grateful for. They give my life meaning and make everything else on the list matter.

I started with my daughters because I absolutely Love this picture! I think we all look good, which for a mom with two babies (Sunshine was 2 1/2 & Princess was maybe 9 months in this picture) we look pretty good and I love the pink wash and our white clothes. Princess is in her Blessing dress, by the way.

I am so happy to be married to the love of my life. He is my Superman! This is a lovely photo from our wedding collection. Even though it's kind of cheesy, I like this picture because we are looking at each other in total oblivion of the next 20-50+ years. HAHAHAHAHA!

My scriptures, journal, and gratitude journal. I got in the habit of reading my scriptures when I was in high school. It was further branded into me when I was a missionary. It's hard for me to feel "complete" during the day without reading them. I have kept a journal even longer than that, starting when I was very young and writing regularly from the time I was 12. The gratitude journal was introduced to me a few years ago by our then Relief Society president. She gave us each a journal to start and every day we were to record 5 things we were grateful for. I have been doing that for about three years now (I think) and not even sure how many of the little books I have gone through. It helps me to remember who to thank and to be content. 

1. Books

2. My laptop

3. My parents and my in-laws

4. My dachshund, Bailey James

Books are one of the loves of my life. It's true. I love to read them and am inspired by them. I love fiction (yes, it's true) and love romance most of all. My ToBeRead pile is ridiculous. I am never bored however!

I list the reasons to be thankful for my laptop partly because of the connection it gives me to people who I have lost touch with as well as making new friends that I only have contact with online. I was a better letter writer before email and texting, but not much. 

Both my parents and in-laws have celebrated their 50th anniversaries. What a milestone and what an example to their children, grandchildren and even great-grandchildren! I am proud to be related to both sets. Sadly my father-in-law passed away from cancer a few years ago. I still miss him and think about him often.

I had a dachshund as a child (her name was Suki) and I loved her until I became a teenager and found better things to do. I love dachshunds and wanted a puppy so bad and a friend offered one of her dachshund pups to me. I named him Bailey James after George Bailey/James Stewart (yes of It's a Wonderful Life) and loved him like my youngest baby he was meant to be. Unfortunately when we moved into our rental house we couldn't keep him in the house and he was not meant to be an outdoor dog so I found him a new home with other small dogs. I miss him every day.

1. Lake Powell with my parents & siblings

2. My membership in the LDS church

3. Veterans

4. My brothers

Since 1994 we have spent a week at Lake Powell with my parents, siblings and their families. It's a small space and it's a closeness we rarely get to experience otherwise. We enjoy lots of water sports (tubing, water-skiing, hiking, cliff-jumping, etc) and laying around (me) reading through my TBR pile.

I love going to church! It renews me and makes me feel ready to take on another week of humdrum but necessary activities. I am a Mormon and I like it.

I have so much gratitude for soldiers. My mind cannot really wrap itself around so much tragedy and horrors surrounding war and I'm thankful to not have to be the one to go fight. I know freedom isn't free. I know somebody has to make the hard choices and do the hard things so I can live in this country with the liberty to choose as I please (for the most part--and within the law).

I have all brothers. This picture only shows three of my five brothers, but I love them as much as I love my arm or my leg. We don't get to see each other as often as I'd like but we stay in touch in other ways. (Hello, thank you laptop!)

What are you grateful for?

Where do I go from here?

My year experiment wasn't a bust, per se, but it also wasn't a success. I am contemplating where to go from here. Part of me just wants to blog about my feelings (ugh, really?). I see so many blogs out there like that and I wonder if they are helpful or just voyeuristic.

Does it help you to know that I suffer? I have clinical (treated) depression. I have fibromyalgia (they say, ...I am still in denial), I have hypercalcemia (which may or may not be caused by hyperparathyroidism) and osteoporosis. Most of the time I just feel like a lump.

I got an email from a writing site I subscribe to yesterday about rejection. I realized that I haven't really experienced rejection in a while because I don't really submit anything anywhere. I don't really know how many people (or who) reads my blog. I had to turn off comments because the spammers were having a heyday and people were getting linked to porn.
Egads!
I certainly don't want to be a perpetrator of that kind of nonsense!

So here I am. In the midst of personal crises (always), sick kids, no money (does anyone really have enough?), kids with behavior issues, too small house (not used to it, still, after two years) and yesterday I read, "I ought to be content with the things which the Lord hath allotted me." (Book of Mormon, Alma 29:3) So I stop and pray for contentment. It eludes me.

I am always reaching for something. A clean/tidy house (miraculously, not because I had to do any physical--read painful--labor!), a degree, perfect children (Hahahahahahaha), a loving and romantic relationship with my spouse (it happens), different furniture, a better stove, tidier kids, straighter hair, flatter belly... it's always something and then I think...

I am enough.

Really. I am. I know I am. I would tell my kids (if they asked me), "You are enough." If I am doing my best (which I am not always, for a variety of reasons) then I am Enough. I am.
Most of my infirmities, I believe, are swallowed up in the Atonement of Jesus. Yes, I believe that. It is a wonderful thing to believe. It brings me peace, and sometimes Joy, to believe that someone loved me enough to suffer and die for me. Suffer and die for everyone. Yeah, I think that's pretty cool.

I did not mean for my post to get preachy but it is part of who I am.

I believe that we are enough. I can do more but I sometimes can't and that's okay. Because I am enough.

I still don't know what I'm going to do with my blog. I don't know if I want to be cutesy and artsy (not really my thing) or just post my angsty thoughts (like this one) and hope somebody else also gets something because for me it is often cathartic.

Obit: Hannah Montana

In case you didn't know it, Hannah Montana is dead folks. 

This last weekend Miley Cyrus hosted Saturday Night Live. Honestly, she was good. Of course I’m worried about her. I’m a mom. No mom (especially of teen girls) can watch this young’ns transformation from Disney songstress/star to slutty-smut-muffin without cringing! She also announced that Hannah Montana had been “murdered.” So sad.

I actually believe she might live to regret those words. She joked about getting all kinds of letters from moms, a few of which I have seen posted via Facebook, regarding her crazy antics at the VMAs and I realized that I do have some thoughts about this.

First of all, Miley Cyrus can sing. She’s actually really good. If you listen to her and ignore the tramping around on video, she’s quite good. She can write music that’s catchy and entertaining. Her lyrics are heart-wrenching. She has a gift. And Disney is the one that allowed all this.

I think by “murdering” Hannah Montana, Miley is turning her back on the image that created her! That is going to be a mistake. She is creating a new image now, and I get her need to be viewed as a “real artist” and not a Disneyfied star, I get that, but really, Miley, do you really think it’s wise to turn your back on everything that made you? The reason you are getting letters from mothers is because you no longer represent anything we want our daughters to admire or aspire to! Your behavior on stage and screen is frightening and shocking, which might be what you want to kill that little good girl image we have of sweet Hannah Montana, but you can do that without having a public nervous breakdown!

Ever since “Can’t Be Tamed” came out Miley has been making a statement. She is trying very hard to get as far away from her Disney image as possible. And honestly, I don’t get it. Hannah was funny, with good comedic timing and even with insipid story lines and fluffy 30-minute dilemmas, Hannah created the Miley Cyrus marketability. Someday, Miley, I think you might be sorry you turned so foul.

I’m worried. I’m worried that like so many before you we will find you in rehab, washed up, washed out and maybe even dead. I worry that your desire to toss away the squeaky-clean image of sweet Hannah Montana you will toss a fan base that might save you. Your fans have grown up with you, but there are still those that are too young still to truly understand the mess you’re creating.

Do you really want to end up like Lindsay, or Brittney? Maybe you do. Britt’s rush to discard her clean image led to early motherhood and a stint on the Crazy list for some time. Do you want to be like Amanda Bynes and end up incarcerated, essentially, for serious crazy? These are your predecessors and look what happened to them when fame and celebrity got their hold on them.

Or, do you want to be like Melissa Joan Hart (who also had some trouble, but who knew?) who now has two sweet children, a relatively stable marriage and a sitcom? Maybe you want to be the next Madonna? I don’t know what your goals are, Miley, but the path you’re heading down makes me sad. Good luck to you and may you figure out who you are before things get too much more out of hand!

The Crazy Ones

I'm just popping in here to tell y'all about the new Dramedy "The Crazy Ones." It's about a Chicago-based ad agency run by Simon Roberts, played by Robin Williams & his daughter, Sydney, played by Sarah Michelle Gellar. I'm not sure what I'm more excited about; the return of Mork or the return of Buffy!

Squee!

Robin is his usual crazy/funny/weird self & Sarah is her usual snarky/fashionista/clever self. I don't know if it's going to take off but I loved it! Created by David E. Kelley, who is the guy who brought us L.A. Law, Picket Fences, Chicago Hope, Ally McBeal, The Practice and Boston Legal... among others.

What I also loved was that fact that their first ad pitch is to McDonald's, which if you don't know is hilarious because as a wee one Sarah Michelle did an ad for Burger King and was sued (yes, personally sued) by McDonald's and could not even enter one ...supposedly, ever again. Yet, here we are, 2013 and there is an Awesome shot of Sarah Michelle's profile with the McD's logo behind her.

Awesome!

The pilot episode also featured cameos by Gail O'Grady and the inimitable Kelly Clarkson (as herself).

Check out The Crazy Ones on CBS on Thursdays at 9/8c. I don't think you'll be disappointed.

Why I stopped taking my meds

I am not anti-medication by any means, and I believe in seeking medical intervention because not doing so can be dangerous, even deadly. However, I have recently stopped taking a lot of my medications OR really, just reducing the amount (yes, under the direction of my dr., no worries, I'm not completely moronic!).

Recently I have been taking up to five medications daily and that does not include the vitamin supplements that I also take (vitamin A, Super B, C, iron, potassium & a multi). I still take a blood pressure medication (which I have not stopped or reduced).

What have I stopped taking? For starters I have reduced my anti-depressant (currently taking Cymbalta) and I want to tell you why. The why is important to me, and maybe to others who suffer from chronic clinical depression, like I do. I found that I stopped feeling anything while taking the full prescribed dose. Mind you, I take it so that I can function like a "normal" person. What I don't want is to be an emotional Zombie (although I love zombies, doesn't mean I want to be one!). I want to feel sensitivity and compassion. I want to be emotionally moved when I see or hear something that should make us feel something. I found that I felt nothing and I don't think that's healthy. I think that's almost as unhealthy as feeling everything, which is kind of what depression feels like, sometimes.

I don't mind tearing up over bad news or a heartwarming tale. I think that is a normal emotional response. A human response and I don't want to lose that. So I reduced the amount of anti-depressant I take and I am still able to cope while also feeling something for my fellow human beings, which matters to me.

The other things I'm not taking are for my (supposed) Fibromyalgia symptoms. Specifically I take Gabapentin (stopped) and a muscle relaxer (which I take as needed-which is what the bottle says to do). I am surprised and Very Pleased to report that I am not only functioning well, but am also able to push myself a little further than before.

Miracle!

I still maintain that I suffer from postherpetic neuralgia (aka; after Shingles nerve pain) and not Fibromyalgia and since I am no longer needing the medication I am convinced I was right.
I still have some symptoms related to my hyperparathyroidism (specifically the high amount of calcium in my blood) which I am having treated and hope to be at least to 90% soon (100% might be too much to ask so I'd be happy with 90!).

I am just so happy to be in this place and not having to rely on so much medication just to function.

Yay!

The First Day of School

Hulk started school August 12^th. That kind of stunk for him because he had to get up early, get dressed and ready and off every morning while the rest of us got to sleep in, watch TV (or in Batman’s case Captain Sparklez on YouTube *RollingMyEyes*!) and DO NOTHING all day.

Captain America (aka Cap) and Batman started today. Cap is a Junior in high school (Already?) and Batman started Middle School or 6^th grade. Hulk is a Sophomore but he is in another school district because they have a better program and more secure campus than we do.

The point is that this morning I was bored.

How many times can you check Facebook in an hour? Part of me thinks I need a job (because I have been bored a lot lately) but mostly I think I just need to buckle down and do the things that need doing. Like the laundry. Ick. I guess I could make dinner at 10 AM, that would free up my day.

Or write a book.

There’s an idea.

I was surprised that I actually missed my kids and on the FIRST DAY BACK TO SCHOOL I actually started looking forward to next summer. ::sigh:: What am I going to do with me?

That’s all crazy talk!

So here’s the thing, September is like January for me. I had my birthday yesterday, the kids are all back in school (even Princess is starting school this week!) and I’m thinking about what I need to do. I need to keep up the house so it doesn’t overwhelm me again. My family cleaned the house (yes, I helped) as part of my birthday gift yesterday. Yes, it’s unbelievably appreciated. Since I can’t even vacuum lately. We even put pictures up, since we’ve been in this place for two years and looks like we’ll be here at least for another year… ::sigh::

I am also starting a class this week. I started Spanish 100 to complete my foreign language requirement. Spanish is helpful where I live (near Los Angeles) and beneficial for being in the schools (which is what I want to do) so I’m okay with it. Nervous, but okay.

I like working on my goals every three months or so. I always have goals. Sometimes I am more energetic than others in that I think I can do more than I end up actually doing, but then isn’t it better to aim for the moon and reach the stars? I think so. So one of the things I will be working on this week is figuring out which areas of my life I really want to improve. I already know what they are I just have to isolate the actions needed to accomplish those goals.

Go me!

And my kids? They are actually happy to be back in school too. We do better when he have a set schedule. I know I do and that means we all do.

50 Things To Be Happy About

1. Today is my birthday!

2. I am not 50!

3. I have two more years to “get it right.”

4. I have an awesome family

5. That I love very Very much!

6. I have a lot of amazing friends

7. Online and offline

8. Who inspire me to be better everyday

9. I have amazing parents

10. Who are still alive and support me

11. And called me today to sing to me (I love it!)

12. I have one best friend outside my bloodline that

13. Is my sister in every way that matters.

14. I have five brothers

15. Two are waiting for me in heaven

16. And I believe that!

17. I love and admire my oldest brother and who he is.

18. I love my younger brother who is also my writing partner, business associate and

19. One of my very best friends.

20. I love my “baby” brother, who makes me laugh

21. All. The. Time.

22. And I admire who he is and his opinions.

23. I love my husband.

24. He is also my best friend and

25. Favorite person to spend time with.

26. He makes me want to be better.

27. I have two beautiful daughters (and I’m not just saying that).

28. My oldest daughter is valiant, hard working and

29. I don’t worry about her decisions

30. Even though I do worry about her (of course!)

31. Daughter #2 is fun and beautiful and

32. I’m happy to have her around

33. She’s just fun.

34. My oldest son is a ROCK!

35. My middle son teaches me patience and makes me feel loved.

36. My baby is spoiled and I like spoiling him.

37. I love where I live

38. I like learning

39. I have hobbies I enjoy

40. I get vacations and “time off”

41. My birthday is the beginning of the holidays

42. I am a Christian

43. I am a Mormon

44. I get to stay home with my kids

45. I get to go to school

46. I get to work with my family doing what I love, Writing!

47. I believe in forgiveness, especially forgiving myself

48. Failure is a learning experience.

49. I have more time to keep being better

50. I’m old but I’m not that old.

That Deaf, Dumb and Blind Chica

Does not play a mean pinball or any other type of “ball,” for that matter.

I posted on Facebook this morning that I dreamed about going deaf and of having to learn and use sign language. Actually, I used to know quite a bit of sign language as one of my best high school friend’s was deaf and we used to communicate openly that way. Everywhere. It was rather cool, actually. I have forgotten most of it, occasionally it comes back to me and I have no idea if the things I was saying in my dream were actually right or not but I was using sign language. Fluently.

I worry about this. It’s not irrational as I am, and have been, losing my hearing for some time. I am supposed to wear hearing aids but they are very expensive (like $ThousandS of $DollarS!) and we already bought one set and they broke like three days after the warranty expired. Of course. I have been going through the process again to get hearing aids because I am tired of not being able to hear.

Some people might think I respond strangely to things that are said to me, the truth is that I probably didn’t hear you. This is why I prefer texting to phone calls and email to face to face meetings.

I Can’t Hear You.

There are a few things that go with that. I sometimes worry that people will be able to tell that I am losing my hearing by my speech. I already struggle saying Rs and Ws together. (My kids are still making fun of me for how I said Redwood River Resort for our reunion a few weeks ago. It comes out like RrrrrrvrrrRrrrsrrrt.) That’s not new. I figured out that anomaly almost 10 years ago. Sort of how Canadians say aluminum.

I make my family crazy because I can’t hear most things that are said to me. I’d like to pretend I heard but they can tell because I will say odd things. They ask, “Where are the hot dogs,” and I will say, “Maybe we can go to the library tomorrow.” It’s kind of like a math word problem.

I don’t think it’s funny but at the same time there’s not a lot I can do about it. I say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you,” A. Lot. So if I say something odd to you, like, “Pillows give me headaches,” when you asked me, “Where’d you get those shoes?” I’m sorry. I probably didn’t hear you.

Oh and I’m almost blind too…

The *Getting Better* Part

I am. With some things. I feel like I need a massive ToDo list, but doesn't everyone? I mean, really? 

I took this "are you narcissistic" test yesterday and it turns out I am either totally narcissistic or not at all. There was no in-between state for me. The first question stumped me; 

I can become entirely absorbed in thinking about my personal affairs, my health, my cares or my relations to others.

Yep. I do this. But it's relative because when I think "I" it includes Me, my five children and my husband, also the dog and various others; including my parents and siblings, even the occasional Aunt or Uncle reaches my "worry zone." All these trump everyone else. When I stopped to evaluate if this was I as in just Me, well, I still do this more than I want to. I think about my health more than I want to because it tends to get in my way of doing something else.

Harrrrumph!

The obsessive nature I have over my personal affairs have to do with all the things that need doing like phone calls, appointments, school issues (aka assignments), my writing or non-writing (which happens more than I want it to), my health (and what new symptom am I feeling today?), the health of my children, even my adult children's lives and health are my problem worry!

I don't worry too much about my relations to others except that I think I need to do more service. I think doing more service would help me with my other self-obsessive narcissistic worries concerns.

Today I feel better. I made myself do a few things I didn't want to do and that's that beginning of the upward spiral of a down day from having done too much. 

The Four-Letter L-Word I Hate!

Lazy. I hate the word Lazy. For one, I think it's overused and by people who are judging others.
I admit that I have been called Lazy almost my whole life. It makes me crazy and that's probably because some small part of me believes it... But then I do something or consistently do something and I realize I'm not lazy, I am, however, a number of other things.

1. I procrastinate. Who doesn't do this? Really? Be honest now! We all have things we put off doing because we either hate doing it or don't see the value in doing it. Like dusting, for instance, or housework in general... Really? Who likes doing housework? I mean maybe there are people who like the end result but the actual doing of the work? I don't believe you!

2. I lose track of time. Hello Facebook! Or any game for that matter. I kind of swore off all online or computer games for a while because I wasted so much time on them. Mahjong is a favorite of mine. I recently downloaded a free Mahjong game app on my phone and played it all the way home from visiting my parents. Yeah, five+ hours. I also started a couple of other games that I used to like to play (Words With Friends aka Scrabble) but I'm only playing with one or two people. I'm also playing What's the Phrase? which is Wheel of Fortune... Yeah, I can waste a lot of time on that---Where did the time go?

3. I can't prioritize. Yeah, I think blogging or reading other blogs are more important than planning dinner or ...dusting! At least when I'm doing it I do. Then my family starts asking, "What's for dinner?" and I get annoyed. YOYO (You're On Your Own) is my favorite dinner to "make." [sigh] but it is not my family's favorite!

4. I am actually pretty busy. Nobody knows the amount of garbage I have swimming around in my brain that I'm actually petrified of forgetting. Making doctor appointments or calling someone about something for my kids or Superman, or even DUSTING that thing that really REALLY needs dusting because even I am disgusted. I forget because there is just too much and even when I write it all down I forget things. Don't get me started on the grocery list. OY! So many times I have forgotten something important. Ugh!

5. I have a few health issues. I'd rather not complain my head off about this but I do suffer from chronic pain and other ailments related to my (supposed) Fibromyalgia and hyperparathyroidism and this stops me from doing certain things... like Dusting, and other things (vacuuming actually causes me pain, but no, dusting does not--lol). The fear of causing myself some pain actually gives me pause when I go to do things and that is also part of the reason I appear Lazy.

Bottom line, I don't believe in my head that I am a Lazy person, but I have been called it often enough that I have issues with the word and with the judgement that goes with it.
Don't Judge Me. You have no idea what's really going on and you probably don't want to know.
Just Don't Judge Me ...and be very careful when you think someone else is "lazy." You are probably wrong about that.
Just saying.

Don't Do It! Tribute Post (Gia Allemand)

Last night I saw that a "reality show" celebrity was rushed to the hospital due to a "medical emergency." Deep in my heart of hearts I wondered if she attempted suicide but what I actually hoped was that she had an allergic reaction to something.

At age 29 I did not think it was any kind of age-related issue; like a heart-attack.

I was devastated to read that she passed away today and they are now saying she attempted (and succeeded) at committing suicide. One news story claimed she hung herself.

How does this happen?

How does a beautiful, young & seemingly successful woman decide to off herself? Did she have a history of mental illness? Was she diagnosed with some disorder or did she really not see what she had to live for?

I suffer from both physical and mental illnesses. I am depressed. I am on medication but seriously question its effectiveness. Truthfully, I have no desire to off myself. I don't get it. I know people that feel this way and it just makes me really really sad.

The article said the family chose to remove the life-support and she was given last rites and was surrounded by friends and family. Where have they been? Did nobody know she was suffering?

I find this entire story very sad.

How many people around us are struggling and suffering and we are so wrapped up in our own worlds that we are clueless about others? Is there anything anyone could have done?

I just shake my head at the wrong-ness of this.

I hope that anyone out there in the interwebs that come across this measly little blog and find this measly little post knows that there are people who care! If you don't think there is anyone around you who gets what you're feeling, I'm sure there is someone willing to talk with you.

Heck! You can go to my Facebook page and private message me! I just feel sad for this lovely girl's family and friends. I'm sure they wish she had called them or done something different then what she did.

Once you are gone there is no undoing that.

Here are some signs to look for from SAVE:

Warning Signs of Suicide

These signs may mean someone is at risk for suicide. Risk is greater if a behavior is new or has increased and if it seems related to a painful event, loss or change.

• Talking about wanting to die or to kill oneself.
• Looking for a way to kill oneself, such as searching online or buying a gun.
• Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live.
• Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain.
• Talking about being a burden to others.
• Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs.
• Acting anxious or agitated; behaving recklessly.
• Sleeping too little or too much.
• Withdrawn or feeling isolated.
• Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge.
• Displaying extreme mood swings.

Additional Warning Signs of Suicide

• Preoccupation with death.
• Suddenly happier, calmer.
• Loss of interest in things one cares about.
• Visiting or calling people to say goodbye.
• Making arrangements; setting one's affairs in order.
• Giving things away, such as prized possessions.

A suicidal person urgently needs to see a doctor or mental health professional.

In an emergency, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

No-Brainers

So... sometimes I get distracted...
SQUIRREL!
Okay, so I get distracted a lot. Today it's been a new blogger. And how is it I find these peeps a year after their big reveal? I find them after they've already healed themselves, moved on and practically closed down their blog. ::sigh::

Although at least I still have Emily Eddington who not only hasn't shut down her vlog, but quit her day job to do it full time!

But I digress.

I am here because I want to be authentic. I am nearing my birthday and have not kept my promise to myself. A disappointment but also I am kind to myself, so I forgive and move on.

One thing that is bothering me, however, is that I have down days where nearly nothing gets done. Today I did some laundry & started the dishwasher. I have not (and probably will not) made dinner. It's YOYO... again.

This frustrates me.

I am trying to come up with a list of No-Brainers for me to do on a daily basis. I don't have a "real job" since I am a SAHM (not necessarily by choice) and some (most) of what I need to do involves this "not real job" that I have, like said laundry. It has to get done. It won't do itself. And since I got this new washer I admit that it's not the washing of the laundry so much that is the problem but the folding and putting away.

My children put the dishes away. (I don't allow them to load or wash dishes because they do it "wrong." Yell at me all you want, I have issues, I know it. At least I let them put them away!) I have tried delegating bathroom cleaning, dusting and vacuuming to pretty much no avail; it does not get done. Batman was reduced to tears when I asked him to vacuum on Saturday when Superman and I were busy All. Day. washing/detailing my car. (Something I have been wanting help with for a long time!) He did it. Kind of. Very annoying and frustrating.

I cook usually three days a week. I know that's bad. We don't go out but my family has gotten used to figuring out their own meals the other days. Sometimes I cook but don't eat the meal myself. Actually, that happens a lot. Right now we are in the beginning of Football season which means practices M-F from 5:00-7:00 PM. Part of me wants to say it's a valid excuse for delaying dinner but it's not. Batman doesn't really need me there. He can actually walk himself there and back now that they are practicing at the park.

But I don't like it. Any of it.

Some of the No-Brainers I want in my daily life includes (but not limited to) making the three squares. Breakfast, lunch & dinner. I have just boys left at home and fending for themselves is not always a good thing. Hulk & Batman especially have a hard time with the post-cooking cleanup, which is to say they don't do it. Argh!

I need to get laundry done, folded & put away.

Wait, I already feel overwhelmed.

Nevermind.

Thinking about juice fasts

A while back I watched Joe Cross in Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead. I was extremely touched and went out and bought a juicer. I tried it for a while but struggled. Then recently I watched another documentary about juicing and raw food, etc. called Hungry for Change. I tried juicing and making smoothies, again. Then I read about this great product you can actually buy to do a juice cleanse called Suja juice.

Every single one of those things has something in common and it's using fresh (and organic) produce to create juices or smoothies to cleanse your body, rid yourself of toxins, lose weight and/or cure chronic illness.

I say yes to all of the above.

Here is my problem (and maybe how I will fix it);

1. I did buy a juicer but I tend to let fresh produce rot before I get it made into juice or a smoothie.
2. I tried freezing some of the ingredients but for the Mean Green Juice made by Joe Cross, you can't do that.
3. I have a lousy blender (that's a good one, don't you think?) and can't afford the fancy one.
4. The Suja juice cleanse is too expensive, my spouse would never go for that... they do have another brand, however, that I have found at Costco that I am considering...
5. I do not plan to do something like this for more than three days at a time. I know myself. 3 days would be a max, although after three days I think the headaches go away, etc. etc. ...at least that's what they say.

So, I may or may not be doing this on a regular basis. I would like to use my juicer since we bought one and all... So I might just have to get a little more organized in the kitchen...

Nothing but good times ahead...

I will give credit where credit is due and state up front that my title comes from my favorite women's fiction writer, Jennifer Crusie. She basically rocks. I have been rereading her books and the one that comes from is Welcome to Temptation. It's also in Faking It, my first and favorite Crusie!

Anyway, after my seriously depressing post yesterday (can you see why I have not been posting daily, can you imagine the drudgery?) I decided that I felt better and was going to go back to my non-complaining-type posts. Booyah.

First of all, the Spanish 100 conundrum went bye-bye. I will be taking it next month so my kidlets and I will be going back to school together.

Booyah.

And secondly, while yesterday was a wash... Today I arrived an HOUR early for Hulk's doctor appointment and dinner is already cooking.

Booyah!

I get to go on another vacation next week and it turns out it will probably only be me and two kiddos, Cap & Batman. Hulk will be staying behind because he has school (and I have been touting up the whole "weekend with Dad" glamour that that will be, let me tell ya!) and Princess is going to do some work and make some much needed cashola for when she goes back to Utah for school.

Booyah!

I am kind of excited for the next couple of weeks. Go Me.

Then it will be my birthday and the kids will be back in school and Cap will be starting seminary (hello 6 AM, how ya been?) and I will be back in school and the weather will be... probably getting hotter until the end of October. Haha! That's how it usually goes here in the high desert. But in Acton it's not so bad. Generally it's 10 degrees cooler here than in Palmdale where we used to live.

Booyah!

Also, since no diet is working ... I am not dieting.

Boo-FREAKING-Yah!

That actually doesn't mean I'm eating whatever I want it's just that I'm not Not eating anything. I just watch what I'm eating and drinking lots of water. Hello fruit, I've missed you.

Yep, you guessed it:

BOOYAH!

Today I feel I have much to be thankful for. I got up and out the door so fast we were an hour early! I have been reading like crazy and enjoying every second. I can return the textbook I got and reorder the correct one and start fresh next month. Things are falling into place and I'm making a place for all the things.

It's a good day in my book.

Booyah.

This and That...

I haven't been here for a bit. We went on vacation, which if you have children you might realize that isn't much of a vacay for Mom. Anyway, for the second time after a Lake Powell trip I ended up at the doctor's with kids due to Lake events. At least this time it wasn't Hulk but Princess & Batman. Princess had a severe allergy attack (ragweed?) & Batman got an ear infection. Fun.

We got home late Monday. Yesterday poor Hulk got a temp cap on his root canal. We go back in a couple of weeks for the "real" crown. He did okay. At least this dentist lets him stay... That's a long story.

This morning I kind of zonked out and am still struggling to get my bearings. I think Hulk has another doctor appt tomorrow. He has a busy life. He starts school Monday. The rest of the brood doesn't start until after Labor Day.

Batman started football which means practice every day. Practices are at the park which I am very glad about since he can walk to and from practice if need be. One less thing I have to haul everyone around for.

Cap stayed at Grandma's house. I miss him. He spent a week at Lake Powell with the church group, then a week with us. He'll be at Grandma's until next weekend when we go to our family reunion. Princess will go back to SLC for school later this month. (Yay, finally she got accepted to LDSBC so both girls will be back in college this semester!)

I am, however, seriously freaking out over my class. For a variety of reasons, some related to funding, I added Spanish 100 to my schedule. Before leaving on vacation I purchased a hard copy of the text to be sure it would be here when we returned and I would be ready for class. Well, apparently they only use the E-book version (with special online features and access codes) which I cannot afford at this time. So I'm in a conundrum.

This is a bit of a random/personal post but I've been thinking about my birthday coming up in a few weeks and how I've done on my blog. I have not posted every day like I wanted to, for various reasons. I'm okay with that "failure" but hoping I am more consistent and figure out what I want to do with this and where I think I'm going with it. Right now it's just something that kind of looms over me like another burden. Since it's one I wanted and felt was important I want to clarify my goals and figure out what my next move will be.

In a few weeks I will be an even number again. I am nearing the end of another decade and am still not completely satisfied with where I am in my life. I have still not finished my schooling. I have not finished writing any one book in particular, I am not blogging consistently (still) and most other areas of my life are still hanging like a silken spider's web that's been broken. I want to close the loops.