That Deaf, Dumb and Blind Chica

Does not play a mean pinball or any other type of “ball,” for that matter.

I posted on Facebook this morning that I dreamed about going deaf and of having to learn and use sign language. Actually, I used to know quite a bit of sign language as one of my best high school friend’s was deaf and we used to communicate openly that way. Everywhere. It was rather cool, actually. I have forgotten most of it, occasionally it comes back to me and I have no idea if the things I was saying in my dream were actually right or not but I was using sign language. Fluently.

I worry about this. It’s not irrational as I am, and have been, losing my hearing for some time. I am supposed to wear hearing aids but they are very expensive (like $ThousandS of $DollarS!) and we already bought one set and they broke like three days after the warranty expired. Of course. I have been going through the process again to get hearing aids because I am tired of not being able to hear.

Some people might think I respond strangely to things that are said to me, the truth is that I probably didn’t hear you. This is why I prefer texting to phone calls and email to face to face meetings.

I Can’t Hear You.

There are a few things that go with that. I sometimes worry that people will be able to tell that I am losing my hearing by my speech. I already struggle saying Rs and Ws together. (My kids are still making fun of me for how I said Redwood River Resort for our reunion a few weeks ago. It comes out like RrrrrrvrrrRrrrsrrrt.) That’s not new. I figured out that anomaly almost 10 years ago. Sort of how Canadians say aluminum.

I make my family crazy because I can’t hear most things that are said to me. I’d like to pretend I heard but they can tell because I will say odd things. They ask, “Where are the hot dogs,” and I will say, “Maybe we can go to the library tomorrow.” It’s kind of like a math word problem.

I don’t think it’s funny but at the same time there’s not a lot I can do about it. I say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you,” A. Lot. So if I say something odd to you, like, “Pillows give me headaches,” when you asked me, “Where’d you get those shoes?” I’m sorry. I probably didn’t hear you.

Oh and I’m almost blind too…

The *Getting Better* Part

I am. With some things. I feel like I need a massive ToDo list, but doesn't everyone? I mean, really? 

I took this "are you narcissistic" test yesterday and it turns out I am either totally narcissistic or not at all. There was no in-between state for me. The first question stumped me; 

I can become entirely absorbed in thinking about my personal affairs, my health, my cares or my relations to others.

Yep. I do this. But it's relative because when I think "I" it includes Me, my five children and my husband, also the dog and various others; including my parents and siblings, even the occasional Aunt or Uncle reaches my "worry zone." All these trump everyone else. When I stopped to evaluate if this was I as in just Me, well, I still do this more than I want to. I think about my health more than I want to because it tends to get in my way of doing something else.

Harrrrumph!

The obsessive nature I have over my personal affairs have to do with all the things that need doing like phone calls, appointments, school issues (aka assignments), my writing or non-writing (which happens more than I want it to), my health (and what new symptom am I feeling today?), the health of my children, even my adult children's lives and health are my problem worry!

I don't worry too much about my relations to others except that I think I need to do more service. I think doing more service would help me with my other self-obsessive narcissistic worries concerns.

Today I feel better. I made myself do a few things I didn't want to do and that's that beginning of the upward spiral of a down day from having done too much. 

The Four-Letter L-Word I Hate!

Lazy. I hate the word Lazy. For one, I think it's overused and by people who are judging others.
I admit that I have been called Lazy almost my whole life. It makes me crazy and that's probably because some small part of me believes it... But then I do something or consistently do something and I realize I'm not lazy, I am, however, a number of other things.

1. I procrastinate. Who doesn't do this? Really? Be honest now! We all have things we put off doing because we either hate doing it or don't see the value in doing it. Like dusting, for instance, or housework in general... Really? Who likes doing housework? I mean maybe there are people who like the end result but the actual doing of the work? I don't believe you!

2. I lose track of time. Hello Facebook! Or any game for that matter. I kind of swore off all online or computer games for a while because I wasted so much time on them. Mahjong is a favorite of mine. I recently downloaded a free Mahjong game app on my phone and played it all the way home from visiting my parents. Yeah, five+ hours. I also started a couple of other games that I used to like to play (Words With Friends aka Scrabble) but I'm only playing with one or two people. I'm also playing What's the Phrase? which is Wheel of Fortune... Yeah, I can waste a lot of time on that---Where did the time go?

3. I can't prioritize. Yeah, I think blogging or reading other blogs are more important than planning dinner or ...dusting! At least when I'm doing it I do. Then my family starts asking, "What's for dinner?" and I get annoyed. YOYO (You're On Your Own) is my favorite dinner to "make." [sigh] but it is not my family's favorite!

4. I am actually pretty busy. Nobody knows the amount of garbage I have swimming around in my brain that I'm actually petrified of forgetting. Making doctor appointments or calling someone about something for my kids or Superman, or even DUSTING that thing that really REALLY needs dusting because even I am disgusted. I forget because there is just too much and even when I write it all down I forget things. Don't get me started on the grocery list. OY! So many times I have forgotten something important. Ugh!

5. I have a few health issues. I'd rather not complain my head off about this but I do suffer from chronic pain and other ailments related to my (supposed) Fibromyalgia and hyperparathyroidism and this stops me from doing certain things... like Dusting, and other things (vacuuming actually causes me pain, but no, dusting does not--lol). The fear of causing myself some pain actually gives me pause when I go to do things and that is also part of the reason I appear Lazy.

Bottom line, I don't believe in my head that I am a Lazy person, but I have been called it often enough that I have issues with the word and with the judgement that goes with it.
Don't Judge Me. You have no idea what's really going on and you probably don't want to know.
Just Don't Judge Me ...and be very careful when you think someone else is "lazy." You are probably wrong about that.
Just saying.

Don't Do It! Tribute Post (Gia Allemand)

Last night I saw that a "reality show" celebrity was rushed to the hospital due to a "medical emergency." Deep in my heart of hearts I wondered if she attempted suicide but what I actually hoped was that she had an allergic reaction to something.

At age 29 I did not think it was any kind of age-related issue; like a heart-attack.

I was devastated to read that she passed away today and they are now saying she attempted (and succeeded) at committing suicide. One news story claimed she hung herself.

How does this happen?

How does a beautiful, young & seemingly successful woman decide to off herself? Did she have a history of mental illness? Was she diagnosed with some disorder or did she really not see what she had to live for?

I suffer from both physical and mental illnesses. I am depressed. I am on medication but seriously question its effectiveness. Truthfully, I have no desire to off myself. I don't get it. I know people that feel this way and it just makes me really really sad.

The article said the family chose to remove the life-support and she was given last rites and was surrounded by friends and family. Where have they been? Did nobody know she was suffering?

I find this entire story very sad.

How many people around us are struggling and suffering and we are so wrapped up in our own worlds that we are clueless about others? Is there anything anyone could have done?

I just shake my head at the wrong-ness of this.

I hope that anyone out there in the interwebs that come across this measly little blog and find this measly little post knows that there are people who care! If you don't think there is anyone around you who gets what you're feeling, I'm sure there is someone willing to talk with you.

Heck! You can go to my Facebook page and private message me! I just feel sad for this lovely girl's family and friends. I'm sure they wish she had called them or done something different then what she did.

Once you are gone there is no undoing that.

Here are some signs to look for from SAVE:

Warning Signs of Suicide

These signs may mean someone is at risk for suicide. Risk is greater if a behavior is new or has increased and if it seems related to a painful event, loss or change.

• Talking about wanting to die or to kill oneself.
• Looking for a way to kill oneself, such as searching online or buying a gun.
• Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live.
• Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain.
• Talking about being a burden to others.
• Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs.
• Acting anxious or agitated; behaving recklessly.
• Sleeping too little or too much.
• Withdrawn or feeling isolated.
• Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge.
• Displaying extreme mood swings.

Additional Warning Signs of Suicide

• Preoccupation with death.
• Suddenly happier, calmer.
• Loss of interest in things one cares about.
• Visiting or calling people to say goodbye.
• Making arrangements; setting one's affairs in order.
• Giving things away, such as prized possessions.

A suicidal person urgently needs to see a doctor or mental health professional.

In an emergency, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

No-Brainers

So... sometimes I get distracted...
SQUIRREL!
Okay, so I get distracted a lot. Today it's been a new blogger. And how is it I find these peeps a year after their big reveal? I find them after they've already healed themselves, moved on and practically closed down their blog. ::sigh::

Although at least I still have Emily Eddington who not only hasn't shut down her vlog, but quit her day job to do it full time!

But I digress.

I am here because I want to be authentic. I am nearing my birthday and have not kept my promise to myself. A disappointment but also I am kind to myself, so I forgive and move on.

One thing that is bothering me, however, is that I have down days where nearly nothing gets done. Today I did some laundry & started the dishwasher. I have not (and probably will not) made dinner. It's YOYO... again.

This frustrates me.

I am trying to come up with a list of No-Brainers for me to do on a daily basis. I don't have a "real job" since I am a SAHM (not necessarily by choice) and some (most) of what I need to do involves this "not real job" that I have, like said laundry. It has to get done. It won't do itself. And since I got this new washer I admit that it's not the washing of the laundry so much that is the problem but the folding and putting away.

My children put the dishes away. (I don't allow them to load or wash dishes because they do it "wrong." Yell at me all you want, I have issues, I know it. At least I let them put them away!) I have tried delegating bathroom cleaning, dusting and vacuuming to pretty much no avail; it does not get done. Batman was reduced to tears when I asked him to vacuum on Saturday when Superman and I were busy All. Day. washing/detailing my car. (Something I have been wanting help with for a long time!) He did it. Kind of. Very annoying and frustrating.

I cook usually three days a week. I know that's bad. We don't go out but my family has gotten used to figuring out their own meals the other days. Sometimes I cook but don't eat the meal myself. Actually, that happens a lot. Right now we are in the beginning of Football season which means practices M-F from 5:00-7:00 PM. Part of me wants to say it's a valid excuse for delaying dinner but it's not. Batman doesn't really need me there. He can actually walk himself there and back now that they are practicing at the park.

But I don't like it. Any of it.

Some of the No-Brainers I want in my daily life includes (but not limited to) making the three squares. Breakfast, lunch & dinner. I have just boys left at home and fending for themselves is not always a good thing. Hulk & Batman especially have a hard time with the post-cooking cleanup, which is to say they don't do it. Argh!

I need to get laundry done, folded & put away.

Wait, I already feel overwhelmed.

Nevermind.

Thinking about juice fasts

A while back I watched Joe Cross in Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead. I was extremely touched and went out and bought a juicer. I tried it for a while but struggled. Then recently I watched another documentary about juicing and raw food, etc. called Hungry for Change. I tried juicing and making smoothies, again. Then I read about this great product you can actually buy to do a juice cleanse called Suja juice.

Every single one of those things has something in common and it's using fresh (and organic) produce to create juices or smoothies to cleanse your body, rid yourself of toxins, lose weight and/or cure chronic illness.

I say yes to all of the above.

Here is my problem (and maybe how I will fix it);

1. I did buy a juicer but I tend to let fresh produce rot before I get it made into juice or a smoothie.
2. I tried freezing some of the ingredients but for the Mean Green Juice made by Joe Cross, you can't do that.
3. I have a lousy blender (that's a good one, don't you think?) and can't afford the fancy one.
4. The Suja juice cleanse is too expensive, my spouse would never go for that... they do have another brand, however, that I have found at Costco that I am considering...
5. I do not plan to do something like this for more than three days at a time. I know myself. 3 days would be a max, although after three days I think the headaches go away, etc. etc. ...at least that's what they say.

So, I may or may not be doing this on a regular basis. I would like to use my juicer since we bought one and all... So I might just have to get a little more organized in the kitchen...

Nothing but good times ahead...

I will give credit where credit is due and state up front that my title comes from my favorite women's fiction writer, Jennifer Crusie. She basically rocks. I have been rereading her books and the one that comes from is Welcome to Temptation. It's also in Faking It, my first and favorite Crusie!

Anyway, after my seriously depressing post yesterday (can you see why I have not been posting daily, can you imagine the drudgery?) I decided that I felt better and was going to go back to my non-complaining-type posts. Booyah.

First of all, the Spanish 100 conundrum went bye-bye. I will be taking it next month so my kidlets and I will be going back to school together.

Booyah.

And secondly, while yesterday was a wash... Today I arrived an HOUR early for Hulk's doctor appointment and dinner is already cooking.

Booyah!

I get to go on another vacation next week and it turns out it will probably only be me and two kiddos, Cap & Batman. Hulk will be staying behind because he has school (and I have been touting up the whole "weekend with Dad" glamour that that will be, let me tell ya!) and Princess is going to do some work and make some much needed cashola for when she goes back to Utah for school.

Booyah!

I am kind of excited for the next couple of weeks. Go Me.

Then it will be my birthday and the kids will be back in school and Cap will be starting seminary (hello 6 AM, how ya been?) and I will be back in school and the weather will be... probably getting hotter until the end of October. Haha! That's how it usually goes here in the high desert. But in Acton it's not so bad. Generally it's 10 degrees cooler here than in Palmdale where we used to live.

Booyah!

Also, since no diet is working ... I am not dieting.

Boo-FREAKING-Yah!

That actually doesn't mean I'm eating whatever I want it's just that I'm not Not eating anything. I just watch what I'm eating and drinking lots of water. Hello fruit, I've missed you.

Yep, you guessed it:

BOOYAH!

Today I feel I have much to be thankful for. I got up and out the door so fast we were an hour early! I have been reading like crazy and enjoying every second. I can return the textbook I got and reorder the correct one and start fresh next month. Things are falling into place and I'm making a place for all the things.

It's a good day in my book.

Booyah.

This and That...

I haven't been here for a bit. We went on vacation, which if you have children you might realize that isn't much of a vacay for Mom. Anyway, for the second time after a Lake Powell trip I ended up at the doctor's with kids due to Lake events. At least this time it wasn't Hulk but Princess & Batman. Princess had a severe allergy attack (ragweed?) & Batman got an ear infection. Fun.

We got home late Monday. Yesterday poor Hulk got a temp cap on his root canal. We go back in a couple of weeks for the "real" crown. He did okay. At least this dentist lets him stay... That's a long story.

This morning I kind of zonked out and am still struggling to get my bearings. I think Hulk has another doctor appt tomorrow. He has a busy life. He starts school Monday. The rest of the brood doesn't start until after Labor Day.

Batman started football which means practice every day. Practices are at the park which I am very glad about since he can walk to and from practice if need be. One less thing I have to haul everyone around for.

Cap stayed at Grandma's house. I miss him. He spent a week at Lake Powell with the church group, then a week with us. He'll be at Grandma's until next weekend when we go to our family reunion. Princess will go back to SLC for school later this month. (Yay, finally she got accepted to LDSBC so both girls will be back in college this semester!)

I am, however, seriously freaking out over my class. For a variety of reasons, some related to funding, I added Spanish 100 to my schedule. Before leaving on vacation I purchased a hard copy of the text to be sure it would be here when we returned and I would be ready for class. Well, apparently they only use the E-book version (with special online features and access codes) which I cannot afford at this time. So I'm in a conundrum.

This is a bit of a random/personal post but I've been thinking about my birthday coming up in a few weeks and how I've done on my blog. I have not posted every day like I wanted to, for various reasons. I'm okay with that "failure" but hoping I am more consistent and figure out what I want to do with this and where I think I'm going with it. Right now it's just something that kind of looms over me like another burden. Since it's one I wanted and felt was important I want to clarify my goals and figure out what my next move will be.

In a few weeks I will be an even number again. I am nearing the end of another decade and am still not completely satisfied with where I am in my life. I have still not finished my schooling. I have not finished writing any one book in particular, I am not blogging consistently (still) and most other areas of my life are still hanging like a silken spider's web that's been broken. I want to close the loops.