Fear

I am not actually afraid of much. The things I am most afraid of are intangibles; death, illness, the unknown, failure... and success. I think I talked about my fear of success when I started this daily blog thing because I have a hard time keeping commitments to myself. Regardless of others, if I cannot keep a commitment to myself then what am I worth? Who am I? It might surprise some to see that I fear success but the truth is, especially with regard to writing; if I am successful at one book then I will need to meet deadlines and put forth more work and that scares me. It's true. 

I know I have talked about this because I remember relating an experience I had with my father and him asking me if I was afraid of failure. I am afraid of failure, but I am more afraid of committing to something and not being able to follow through. This has been something I've struggled with since my babies were little. Sometimes when you are a mom of a lot of kids and they are all small your commitments can be overwhelming. I know mine were for me. 

When Sunshine started Kindergarten, Crackle was a newborn. She was on year-round school and they started in late July or early August so he was literally New. born. since his birthday is July 18th. Sunshine was in Kindergarten, Princess was in preschool, Snap was little (18 months old) and Crackle was a tiny baby, and he was challenged. I have mentioned that it took me until he was over nine months old before I could get a referral from my pediatrician to take Crackle to a specialist. That journey took us over a year because he was two when we got the diagnosis from his chromosome analysis. So, you can imagine that my life was full. I think both Sunshine and Princess were in dance but they might not have been because I was overwhelmed. I do remember that I had to drive Sunshine to school, get everyone out of the car and walk her to her classroom. 

Overwhelming.

Very quickly I realized how little I could do. I am sure that my ability to follow through on commitments may have started before that but I don't remember it that way. Pretty much from the time Snap was born until about three years ago is kind of a blur to me. That makes me sad because there are a lot of years there that I just do not remember. I kept journals so it's not completely lost but really, I don't remember a lot. During that time I am sure that I have bowed out of, declined, just said no or simply FAILED to show up for something or other. 

It is something I hate about myself.

So here I am embarking on a journey that is all about keeping commitments to myself. Somewhat to others but mostly to me. I want to do it. I need to do it. I need to show myself that I can do it because I believe in myself. I just have gotten out of the habit. It became easier and easier to say no or to become a flake, but I don't like it about myself. I need it to change.

I know I can do it. But will I make it enough of a priority to pull it off? I need to bite off in bits, chew thoroughly and then swallow. It's hard for me though. I have to create new habits. But that is my point. 

I am participating in National Novel Writing Month right now (why oh why November?), I am also taking an online Teacher Education class on Special Education (perfect, actually, it's helping me with some of Crackle's stuff!), committed to my blog, and writing this fantasy novel (a genre I am seriously lacking in experience) with my brother--and yet, I feel hopeful. I am approximately 16,000 words behind but I still think I can do this. No. I know I can. I just have to stay committed! I have to just prioritize accordingly for the time that I have. Next week we are heading out of town for Thanksgiving and it will either be a productive week or I'll have to throw in the towel...

I do not plan to throw in the towel. 

I need to do this because I know I can and I want to and I have some others counting on me to do it. 
I can. I know I can.

Ganbarimasho, ne!