Why I Write.

Lately, when I've had time, I've been finding that I don't want to write. It's bugging me. I am a writer. Still, when my kids ask me what I want to do when I grow up I say, Be a Writer! It's just part of who I have always been. So maybe I'm having an identity crisis? I don't know but lately, I don't wanna...

I don't like feeling like this. I don't know how to make it go away. It's not so much that I don't know what to write (I have so many ideas it's mind-boggling) or even that I don't have time to write (because I believe you make time for what's important) but really, why write? Like what I have to say or how I want to say it is not important. I don't mean in the grand scheme of things, I realize that as a Romance writer I am telling love stories with happy endings. I like that. I like Romantic Comedies. I just don't know if it's important anymore. It used to be, and I want that back.

The reason I want to write romance (here we go) is because I do believe in happy endings. I don't mean the kind like in fairy tales, that's nonsense, but in the kind where a girl meets a boy and the stars align and fireworks go off and they prance off into the fading sunset... which turns into a harsh desert landscape filled with dirty diapers and unpaid bills. *snort* Then that sweet young couple has a "Come to Jesus" moment and they fall in love again and again and again... or maybe they don't. Maybe that couple experiences a hiccup in life that skews the HEA. Maybe one of them dies. So then we have another story. Woman meets man... 

I believe in love. I believe in "true love." I don't believe in "Soul Mates." I believe that time, place, personal preparation and experience are all part of the picture. I believe some people never feel that "true love" feeling and that makes me sad. I also believe that some people feel it several times a day (or it seems that way). And eventually, I'd like them to have an HEA as well. Or maybe, I'll write a story about a woman that just needs to learn to love herself. I like those too. Not every woman needs a man. Even in my head!

So is that important? Does it matter? Should I just write them down anyway because they're there? I think I should. I just hope I'm not wasting my time. And maybe that is what's discouraging me. Maybe I'm just afraid. I'm just afraid I'm wasting my time. 

So, go ahead. Please tell me I'm not. 

I'll wait...

Who Am I?

There are lots of things about me that people don't know, maybe they do because I talk about them, write about them and often post on social media about them. Still, I think there are things people don't know. 

1. I believe in myself, most of the time. 
Having a caveat to believing in myself means that I have room for improvement. I think I'm worth the time it takes to develop a good habit and I think good habits are healthy. The *most of the time* means that I often forget that keeping up with good habits will, ultimately, in the long run, make me happier. 

2. I believe in God.
I am grateful for my faith. I am also grateful for my Faith. I am a Mormon. I believe in all kinds of *crazy* stuff like ghosts, angels and afterlife. I believe that I am loved. I believe that I am important to God but that he doesn't make an *easy* path for me (or anyone) just because I believe. I believe that Jesus is my spiritual brother and that he came to earth, lived and died for all mankind. It's pretty heavy stuff, and a little *out there* if you think about it, but I believe it. 

3. I believe in marriage.
I don't think marriage is easy. I think the pinnacle of society is the family. I think children deserve to be loved, cherished, cared for and taken care of. I believe it is a parents job to teach their children how to behave in society, how to succeed and what is important. 

4. I believe I'm a writer.
I don't do it often enough. I don't blog enough. I don't spend enough time on my *stories* and I don't spend enough time writing my personal story for my descendants. But I spend more time than a "non-writer" and I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how I want to tackle this particular "skill." I know I need to write more and I'm working on it.

5. I believe in being healthy.
I don't "diet" per se. I've talked a lot about that. I do believe in being fit. I do believe in taking care of our bodies so they can perform to their upmost ability. I do my best. I am a little lazy in this department for a variety of reasons. I dispute certain diagnoses since the undermine my desire to be better. 

This is my focus for this year. These are my "goals" because I have identified who I truly believe I am and who I want to be.

Goals and Writing

It’s the end of the year, as I was reminded by one of my online game opponents (who happens to be a bookkeeper), and a time to assess and reassess and see where I am and where I want to go. Some areas of my life are what they are. I accept it with an eye toward the idea of changing over time, or accepting whatever may be may be… “Que sera, sera,” if you will.

I’m all about bettering myself. If there’s a book out there about some real or imagined flaw that I find in myself (or possibly pointed out to me by a very observant, and caring “friend”), I am one of the first people to buy that book! Although, I admit, I am not a huge fan of self-help books. The most recent book I purchased for self-help was called “Getting Things Done.” It’s still only partially read. That’s one thing I need to put back on my To-Do list. (Yes, I get the irony. Is now a good time to mention all the books on procrastination I have yet to read?)

Okay, so where am I going with this? I’ve been thinking… A dangerous pastime, I know! I’ve been thinking about my writing. I don’t want a lot. My life’s dream would be to make enough money to just help my family out a little here and there. I don’t need millions, or even tens of thousands of dollars. You know, like maybe five thousand. A year. Okay, maybe three times that a year...

But I’m not going to make anything if I don’t get things finished.

So my goal, or one of them anyway, is to write every* day. I plan to use my blog kind of like a jumping off place. Call it my warm-up. Writing exercise. At least in one area of my life I can get whooped into shape, right? I am, unfortunately, easily overwhelmed, and if you know anything aboutmy life, it’s nothing if not a bit complicated at times. So I’m going to be gentle with myself, forgiving. I want to reach my goals and not be mad at myself. I’m almost done with school, but that’s for another post.

*I need to note that by "every" day I mean that I need to have a weekly goal so that I feel accomplished. So even if I start out getting 1,000 words a day--maybe even working up to that? I know I've tried to do 2,000 a day and that proved to difficult for me at the time. I don't want to write on Sundays, and it's difficult on Fridays and Saturdays when Superman and the other super-heroes are home--not excuses, reality. Anyway, so the weekly goal would be 5,000 words a week. (And my blog writing will not go toward that goal, it's extemporaneous.)

Gratitude Part 3

Took me a while but I got it together. Here is the Grande Finale!

Day 25: The Christmas Season

I wish I didn't have to wait until after Thanksgiving to "start" Christmas. I told my kids maybe we should be like the rest of the world so we could jump straight from Halloween to Christmas! Why wait, right? This picture is from last year. This year we've put the tree up in a different spot. It's less intrusive, I think.

Day 26: The pup, Ellie-Mae Claire

I wrote before about how I had to re-home my beloved dachshund and about a year ago our only other dog ran away. We are a dog family and have always had a dog. Since we are renting I thought we were going to be a dogless family until we got into our own home again, but when a friend posted that she had these lab mix pups I mentioned it to Superman and we checked them out. HE fell in love with this beauty and she's been ours since June. She is part of our family like no other dog has been (not even my Bailey, I am sad to say) since Hubs and I were newlyweds! Haha!

Day 27: Baking, my one true "talent"

I have a lot of things I like to do. I used to do a lot of cross-stitch. Sometimes I knit. I sew a little, but not well enough to show you anything. (Not like my mother!) One thing I can do is bake. I like to bake! It's been a while since I've really put time and effort in but every year I make these Sweet Potato Crescents (apparently since 2000!) and they are always my contribution to Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner!

Day 28: Happy Thanksgivukkah!

This year I joined my BFF, Gypsy, and her family for a Thanksgiving/Chanukkah celebration. It was awesome. We had a fried turkey, latkes as well as traditional Thanksgiving fare (I made the mashed potatoes, a ton!), but mostly it was the celebration with friends. Superman went to visit his sister for Thanksgiving and I was happy to spare him (this one time). My parents came also and we had a great day! 

Day 29: Lazy Days
(Our Black Friday)

 I don't do "Black Friday." It's way over-rated and my "personal space" issues don't allow for big crowds and mean people. We did go to Target for a bit and to see "Catching Fire" (Awesome! but I cried through the whole thing) and out to eat, but then we came home and relaxed. It was great!

Day 30: Jesus Christ

I have already mentioned reading my scriptures, my membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and going to church. Bottom line though is my belief in Jesus Christ. He is the reason I do all the other things. I am beyond grateful for my Faith. I believe it is a gift to believe in God and more. I believe that all the other good things in my life have come because of this faith and it is also the reason I can endure the not so great things. 

I don't think I will be doing this kind of gratitude posting again, but I will probably come up with another way to show my gratitude. Although I love jumping to Christmas, I am grateful for the time I spend being grateful and recognizing the good in my life. 

The Gratitude Project, Part 2

I have to admit I'm having way to much fun with this. As you'll see with the pictures that follow:

1. The BFF/PLLAATSABIDSA

2. Wikipedia

3. Where I live, Acton, CA

4. Feet, particularly my feet

13. I am lucky to have been friends with Gypsy since either before or since I was born. Our moms were best friends and we grew up together much like sisters. We have been fortunate to keep our friendship and it has flourished over the years.

14. Wikipedia is kind of an odd thing to be grateful for, but I thrive on learning and it gives me a brief overview on a subject and use that information to find more information. It's a little crazy but I am extremely curious and it satisfies some of that.

15. I love living in Acton. It's small, rural and people take care of each other here. We moved here about seven years ago and I love it. Acton feels like home, like no place I've ever lived in my life.

16. Can you tell I was feeling a little desperate for ideas when I posted about my feet? The truth is I do like my feet. I have worn the same size shoe since I was twelve. So I can say I can still fit in the shoes I wore in high school (and I might still have them too)!

1. Family Movie Nights

2. My oldest son, Captain America, aka The Cap

3. Middle son, Hulk

4. Youngest son, baby of the family, Batman

17. We love to watch movies and some TV shows, but mostly as a family. We love to be together and be entertained. It's the time together and making jokes about what we watch later. 

18. How much can I say about my kids? My oldest son is awesome. He is Captain America to me. I rely on him for so much physical help. He is a good kid and I'm proud of all he does.

19. My middle son is my challenge but I feel perpetually blessed because he is part of our family. Hulk was born with XXYY chromosome disorder and as a result I have a full-time job keeping up with his needs. He is worth it.

20. We were done having kids when we had Hulk. Then we felt there was another member of our family and decided we would have another, God willing. That's how Batman came to being. He is a joy to have around, a bit precocious but a delight. (I'm sure his siblings would disagree, but I find him a Joy!)

1. Princess, my baby girl

2. Our oldest child, Sunshine

3. Having a roof over my head

4. Going to church

21. Our little Princess is every bit a Princess. She's sweet and sassy; fun and flirty, and just wonderful to have around. She was gone last year for several months but decided to stay home and go to school this fall. I love having her around, when we see her...

22. Sunshine is not living at home these days and I miss her terribly. Poor child got all our mistakes and parenting fails and yet she still seems to have turned out mighty fantastic. She's working, going to school and basically supporting herself. I call that a Parent Win! 

23. While I complain a lot about what our house isn't, I am thankful to have a house and to live where I want to live. It's not horrible just a lot of wasted space. That space, however, keeps our home cool in summer, which has its value.

24. Finally, I posted some pictures of church. I serve the little kids (18-months to 3-years-old) and I love it. I've been there a while and some are telling me it's time for a change. I'll be sad when that day comes. I love the recharging I receive from going to church. 

Six more days!