Not Whining About Forgiveness...

In my quest to not be a whiner (and to blog every day) I am writing today about forgiveness. As a parent, specifically. Forgiving our parents and forgiving our children. 

I'm not about expectations. I think they are appropriate in certain settings, like school for instance, as there is a level you want to reach before adding more information or learning. But when it comes to behavior I believe expectations should be outlined pretty clearly and when they aren't followed or aren't followed as specifically as you hope then you need to let the rest go.
There are definitely lines that can be crossed as a child or parent, abuse for instance is unforgivable in the sense the you should never allow yourself to be in the position to be abused again, but that doesn't mean you never ever forgive the abuser. You need to forgive to let go of the poison in your mind but it's not a carte blanche for more abuse. Never!
I think the way for forgiveness is through understanding and empathy. When you become a parent you realize that your parents probably did the best they could with what they knew (this philosophy is very similar to the way I feel about regret). We all make mistakes. Nobody will ever be the perfect parent. Anyone who thinks they can or will be is mistaken. Your children will find something to criticize no matter how much you try to be unlike your parents. Actually, it's kind of funny how that works. You try to Not be like your parent and your kids will still find something you did wrong. It's inevitable. It doesn't mean they don't love you but it does mean when they are a parent they will, in turn, probably do things differently than you and their kids will --inevitably-- find something wrong. 
I pretty much guarantee that.
The point is that we must learn to forgive our parents for being weak and human and faulty. I truly believe that they (generally) try their best and we have to give them kudos for that. 

My Aspirations are not high...

It is us, the unforgiving, that ultimately suffer when we don't forgive. It doesn't mean you have to be close or even have a relationship (as I stated above, NEVER allow abuse to occur) but you do have to forgive or it bogs you down. 
I am always hoping my kids will forgive me. I try to be a good mom but I know I fail. I know my kids love me and there are aspects of my relationship with my children that I know I excel at but others... well, let's just say I hope when they have children they will see how hard I tried to be the best I could with what I knew and know. 
More than anything I want them to know that I love them and in my fumblings as a parent I only want them to be happy and more successful than me. That's my goal, and I believe the goal of any good parent. 

Benefits of Whining

So I know I complain a lot and I've decided I need to stop. I first want to explain Why I complain and whine so much. I am of the thinking that if you know why you do something it is easier to figure out how to stop doing that thing, that is if you want to stop. I want to stop being a whiner, it's annoying, so here is my explanation.

I whine for the following reasons;

1. I have found (been taught) that if I don't say something then everyone thinks I'm fine and puts expectations on me that I cannot possibly fulfill. That kind of stress freaks me out. If I tell you how crappy I feel then you will be more understanding when XXX doesn't happen.
I don't even know if this is true. I suppose I could just say, "I can't/won't be doing XXX because it's not something I can add to my plate right now," rather than whining about how crappy I feel.
What do you think? Think that'll work?

2. I am one of those people that once I say something out loud I can handle it. If I say it then it's real and not just my imagination.
Okay, if that sounds cray then oh well. I know when I say things out loud then suddenly the stress/pressure of knowing the thing leaves me. I've shared it and thus shared the burden. I think this is a little selfish on my part and it might be okay to some extent but I know I put stuff out there sometimes that make other people squirm. Not my intention! I'm just trying to cope with the thing and move on.

3. I don't feel heard. This is kind of in reference to #1 above. Maybe because I can't hear so well I think others aren't listening to me? Maybe it's just a mom thing because we all know kids don't listen. (LOL)

4. The truth is I don't like feeling lousy. I know I could be worse. I know people are out there fighting much harder (and deadlier) battles with their health than I am but I hate being weak, tired and unable to do things. I really hate it. I know when I talk about it (complain) that I'm releasing some of that negativity but I don't know what kind of impact it has on the hearers. I don't want to spread negativity. I'd like to be the kind of person that endures trials without complaining but I don't think I'm that kind of person. As I said, when I talk about it I release it and I feel better.

It's weird but that's why I complain.

Does that make me healthier than someone that never complains? I wonder.

5. If you hear me whining about stuff I'm sorry. I'm just going to put that out there now. I'm sorry if my whining brings you down. Maybe think of it as an act of service? I will strive to be less whiney but since I'm not always even aware of what I'm saying until I'm done I will just say right up front that I'm sorry for releasing my negativity on you.

And thank you for listening. Thank you for making me feel heard, cared about and like my burden is less because you let me share it with you.

I am more than willing to hear your complaints, fyi. That has always been true about me.
Being the Golden Rule girl and all, I am fine with being the listener and I don't judge. I know how freeing it can be to release the worry and burden of illness.

Stress?

I just read a blog post about a young woman and her "stress," which sounded a lot to me like depression. It made me wonder what people think is going on with them when they see their life changing, in ways that aren't good, and attribute it to something controllable. The truth is that Depression is what it is. It is not something you can just decide not to feel. You cannot decide one day to just not "feel" depressed. Because it is so much more than feeling sad. It's feeling sick, tired, overwhelmed, angry, zapped of energy, achy and more.

Being Depressed is not a decision. Sometimes it comes after an illness, or as part of an illness. Sometimes it comes first and causes illness. Usually it comes after some kind of trauma. It also usually arrives because you are predisposed to it. If you have a family history of depression (also known as self-medicated illnesses; like alcoholism or drug abuse) you will be more likely to fall prey to the illness.

On Pinterest today I saw a picture of PET-scans of peoples brains who were or weren't depressed. The results are fascinating and just more proof that Depression is an illness.

It is not a lack of faith.
It is not weakness.
It is not a hypochondriacs dream.
It is real.
It is debilitating and requires patience and gentleness by the Depressed person and those that live with them.
I've seen the advertisement that asks, "Who does depression hurt?" and the answer is "Everyone."
I know this is true.

I am Depressed.

I take medication (currently) and sometimes it feels like it's working, and sometimes it doesn't. I wish I didn't have to take it. I wish I could will away this malaise and just Do and Be like I see others.

But I can't.

I have had to learn to forgive myself for my weaknesses and failings.

Depression is part of who I am and that is something I have come to accept.
That being said, I also accept that there is treatment and I am well to follow that advice of my doctors and other professionals that tell me the key to overcoming the symptoms of depression not only include taking my medication regularly but also exercising (very difficult to do when you feel lousy) and making sure I eat right and drink enough water.
Never more than having to deal with the after-effects of poor self-care do I realize how important it is to be mindful of what I do and don't put into my body.

I am Depressed, but Depression doesn't own me.
I still strive to make my bed every day. I make an effort to make dinner for my family most nights (they will tell you that we have YoYo --You're on Your own-- several times a month). I also work hard to stay on top of the laundry and the kitchen.
Many days everything else either has to go or I have to delegate.

I have forced myself to do things but that usually doesn't work very well (the repercussions aren't worth it). I have learned that it's best to inventory how I'm feeling and respond on a daily basis. Some things I have decided are no-brainers, like doctor appointments. Other things just don't get done. I tend to not volunteer for things because I never know how I'm going to feel. Yes, this is exasperating but I have learned to accept it. I try to plan ahead as often as possible and make a plan to compensate for a "bad day" ahead of time.
It's complicated.

Again, I feel the need for this information to get out there. I worry about so many that are Depressed and don't know it. They think they are failures when there is treatments available to help them. Anti-depressants are not "happy pills" that make all the bad stuff go away. For me they simply make life manageable. Without them I do not function and the bad feelings perpetuate themselves.

I am always available to discuss symptoms and treatment. Feel free to contact me on Facebook (best way) and I will respond.
I know what it's like to feel alone and isolated because your body won't do what you want it to do.

The Beauty Advocate

I sold Mary Kay Cosmetics on and off since I was in my early 20s. Since I’m “nearing” fifty, you do the math… Mary Kay is celebratingtheir 50th year this year and Wow! That’s so cool to me! Granted other cosmetic companies have been around as long, but the MK business modeland opportunity are unique. They have been praised for decades on their ability to empower women and reward hard work.

I no longer sell Mary Kay. I love makeup and I love the MK business plan but it’s not my style. I miss the camaraderie among the ladies that I have worked with in the past. I miss the products, and I miss educating women on how to look and feel beautiful.

I truly believe that beauty is relative. We have ideals that the media puts out that we buy into and try to emulate. I don’t believe that is true beauty. There is something to symmetry in beauty (more about that another time) but I think any woman can be more beautiful with a little care.

A little care.

I think, or at least it appears to me, that some women don’t care. I might be wrong but that’s what I see. I don’t think every woman needs makeup but I do believe it enhances features and can make us feel better. My favorite YouTube beauty advisor (Emily Eddington) recently posted on her blog that Beauty is medicine, and I think that's profound. 

I am constantly learning about makeup. I recently posted about Emily Eddington, a YouTuber that I love, and what she teaches. I have watched other YouTubers and it amazes me what I have never known (and how do they learn these techniques?) about makeup application.

I have no desire to create a YouTube channel and do tutorials, I do however miss the one-on-one teaching we did in Mary Kay. Because I no longer sell Mary Kay I cannot use the title “Beauty Consultant," and I don't know that I have the time or energy to hold "classes" but I am a Beauty Advocate. I like the idea of talking to women about beauty. What it means to them and how to make them feel beautiful. That is really my goal.

I am hoping to dedicate my Tuesday Beauty posts about how to create beauty, or believe in beauty. I do a lot of reading and research and if I can help someone feel better about themselves I am happy to do so! I plan to include links, tips and ideas for anyone (okay, yes, mostly women) to apply to make them feel beautiful. I don't believe in ugly.

Beauty to me is an inside out process. You strive to be beautiful on the inside first, then we can paint the outside. Inner flaws are less noticeable to the public but sometimes we ourselves are so distracted by our perceived “lack” of beauty that we don’t smile often enough, we don’t do or say the nice things that pop into our heads because our self-confidence is lacking.

Makeup is just a tool to help women feel good about themselves (aka; medicine) and believe in their own personal beauty. True beauty is in our actions and our souls. 

Fun Monday

Generally speaking, I like Mondays. Lately though they've just been stressful and I don't like them very much.

Last week was pretty hectic with Snap getting appendicitis and having to spend two days in the hospital. Yeah, unplanned fun! Just to let you know, those fun little chair thingies that they fold out for the parent to sleep on --because most parents will stay with their kid, apparently-- are not made for two adults. Nope. Tried it, didn't like it.

Not made for two adults!

Also, started a new med (I mentioned this in my last post) and I'm waiting for it to kick in... Still waiting... Yep, still waiting. I realize that one week is not long enough but Wow! I need something to get me going because I feel like a lump.

I started my last class (which is a retake, by-the-way) and I'm already behind... ::sigh:: I just need some more energy. I can say that today I did not need a nap. This is the first day in almost a week that I didn't, so that's good news!

The other really exciting thing we did this week was get a puppy. No, I am not looking forward to sleep deprivation or cleaning up messes off the floor or any of the other nonsense that goes with pup training. I have a lot of help, however, which is wonderful. Especially from Superman, which is an unlikely source for pet care in the last decade or so.

Our little Chocolate E-Claire!

We've named our newest member Ellie-Mae Claire and she's a Chocolate Lab. One of her nick-names is Chocolate E-Claire (yeah, Superman's idea...) We like her and so far she's proving to be pretty bright. We expect her to be rather large and that could be interesting as we are planning on her being a mostly inside dog.

I am very much looking forward to school being out soon. Snap and Pop have until the 19th, which is not soon enough for me. Snap is now way behind as he's been out for the last week. Crackle has been out of school since the end of May. That is also kind of a stress for me as well; As you might imagine. We have, however, started receiving some Behavioral Support, and that has been tremendous. If only they could stay for like six hours a day... Just kidding... kind of.

I've also had some interesting news regarding my health. It turns out I have the same thing my mother has --hyperparathyroidism. The worst symptom, apparently, is bone loss leading to osteoporosis, so I will be having a bone-density test soon. Still unsure what the next course of action will be but that certainly adds to the excitement of my life.

Overall, I'm happy. I hope I don't sound too much like I'm whining. I was more stressed out earlier but I was able to get an extension on the homework I'm (already) behind on and that relieved a lot of stress for me. I have a lot of reading to do and this week's assignments seem less stressful than last weeks so that's good.

A few good things:

• Got dinner out early and it's ready to cook, if only it could cook itself! Haha!
• Pop is doing great in school and we are excited for fifth grade promotion!
• Somehow I am getting caught up on laundry... not sure how that happened but Woohoo!
• I am re-reading a Georgette Heyer (The Grand Sophy) and loving it! I have a whole bunch of book reviews I want/need to write! Thanks to some "donations" from my aunt I have a whole bunch of new books!
• Superman has been extremely patient with me while I figure out this whole medication and illness nonsense. It's nice.