Stress?

I just read a blog post about a young woman and her "stress," which sounded a lot to me like depression. It made me wonder what people think is going on with them when they see their life changing, in ways that aren't good, and attribute it to something controllable. The truth is that Depression is what it is. It is not something you can just decide not to feel. You cannot decide one day to just not "feel" depressed. Because it is so much more than feeling sad. It's feeling sick, tired, overwhelmed, angry, zapped of energy, achy and more.

Being Depressed is not a decision. Sometimes it comes after an illness, or as part of an illness. Sometimes it comes first and causes illness. Usually it comes after some kind of trauma. It also usually arrives because you are predisposed to it. If you have a family history of depression (also known as self-medicated illnesses; like alcoholism or drug abuse) you will be more likely to fall prey to the illness.

On Pinterest today I saw a picture of PET-scans of peoples brains who were or weren't depressed. The results are fascinating and just more proof that Depression is an illness.

It is not a lack of faith.
It is not weakness.
It is not a hypochondriacs dream.
It is real.
It is debilitating and requires patience and gentleness by the Depressed person and those that live with them.
I've seen the advertisement that asks, "Who does depression hurt?" and the answer is "Everyone."
I know this is true.

I am Depressed.

I take medication (currently) and sometimes it feels like it's working, and sometimes it doesn't. I wish I didn't have to take it. I wish I could will away this malaise and just Do and Be like I see others.

But I can't.

I have had to learn to forgive myself for my weaknesses and failings.

Depression is part of who I am and that is something I have come to accept.
That being said, I also accept that there is treatment and I am well to follow that advice of my doctors and other professionals that tell me the key to overcoming the symptoms of depression not only include taking my medication regularly but also exercising (very difficult to do when you feel lousy) and making sure I eat right and drink enough water.
Never more than having to deal with the after-effects of poor self-care do I realize how important it is to be mindful of what I do and don't put into my body.

I am Depressed, but Depression doesn't own me.
I still strive to make my bed every day. I make an effort to make dinner for my family most nights (they will tell you that we have YoYo --You're on Your own-- several times a month). I also work hard to stay on top of the laundry and the kitchen.
Many days everything else either has to go or I have to delegate.

I have forced myself to do things but that usually doesn't work very well (the repercussions aren't worth it). I have learned that it's best to inventory how I'm feeling and respond on a daily basis. Some things I have decided are no-brainers, like doctor appointments. Other things just don't get done. I tend to not volunteer for things because I never know how I'm going to feel. Yes, this is exasperating but I have learned to accept it. I try to plan ahead as often as possible and make a plan to compensate for a "bad day" ahead of time.
It's complicated.

Again, I feel the need for this information to get out there. I worry about so many that are Depressed and don't know it. They think they are failures when there is treatments available to help them. Anti-depressants are not "happy pills" that make all the bad stuff go away. For me they simply make life manageable. Without them I do not function and the bad feelings perpetuate themselves.

I am always available to discuss symptoms and treatment. Feel free to contact me on Facebook (best way) and I will respond.
I know what it's like to feel alone and isolated because your body won't do what you want it to do.

The Beauty Advocate

I sold Mary Kay Cosmetics on and off since I was in my early 20s. Since I’m “nearing” fifty, you do the math… Mary Kay is celebratingtheir 50th year this year and Wow! That’s so cool to me! Granted other cosmetic companies have been around as long, but the MK business modeland opportunity are unique. They have been praised for decades on their ability to empower women and reward hard work.

I no longer sell Mary Kay. I love makeup and I love the MK business plan but it’s not my style. I miss the camaraderie among the ladies that I have worked with in the past. I miss the products, and I miss educating women on how to look and feel beautiful.

I truly believe that beauty is relative. We have ideals that the media puts out that we buy into and try to emulate. I don’t believe that is true beauty. There is something to symmetry in beauty (more about that another time) but I think any woman can be more beautiful with a little care.

A little care.

I think, or at least it appears to me, that some women don’t care. I might be wrong but that’s what I see. I don’t think every woman needs makeup but I do believe it enhances features and can make us feel better. My favorite YouTube beauty advisor (Emily Eddington) recently posted on her blog that Beauty is medicine, and I think that's profound. 

I am constantly learning about makeup. I recently posted about Emily Eddington, a YouTuber that I love, and what she teaches. I have watched other YouTubers and it amazes me what I have never known (and how do they learn these techniques?) about makeup application.

I have no desire to create a YouTube channel and do tutorials, I do however miss the one-on-one teaching we did in Mary Kay. Because I no longer sell Mary Kay I cannot use the title “Beauty Consultant," and I don't know that I have the time or energy to hold "classes" but I am a Beauty Advocate. I like the idea of talking to women about beauty. What it means to them and how to make them feel beautiful. That is really my goal.

I am hoping to dedicate my Tuesday Beauty posts about how to create beauty, or believe in beauty. I do a lot of reading and research and if I can help someone feel better about themselves I am happy to do so! I plan to include links, tips and ideas for anyone (okay, yes, mostly women) to apply to make them feel beautiful. I don't believe in ugly.

Beauty to me is an inside out process. You strive to be beautiful on the inside first, then we can paint the outside. Inner flaws are less noticeable to the public but sometimes we ourselves are so distracted by our perceived “lack” of beauty that we don’t smile often enough, we don’t do or say the nice things that pop into our heads because our self-confidence is lacking.

Makeup is just a tool to help women feel good about themselves (aka; medicine) and believe in their own personal beauty. True beauty is in our actions and our souls. 

Fun Monday

Generally speaking, I like Mondays. Lately though they've just been stressful and I don't like them very much.

Last week was pretty hectic with Snap getting appendicitis and having to spend two days in the hospital. Yeah, unplanned fun! Just to let you know, those fun little chair thingies that they fold out for the parent to sleep on --because most parents will stay with their kid, apparently-- are not made for two adults. Nope. Tried it, didn't like it.

Not made for two adults!

Also, started a new med (I mentioned this in my last post) and I'm waiting for it to kick in... Still waiting... Yep, still waiting. I realize that one week is not long enough but Wow! I need something to get me going because I feel like a lump.

I started my last class (which is a retake, by-the-way) and I'm already behind... ::sigh:: I just need some more energy. I can say that today I did not need a nap. This is the first day in almost a week that I didn't, so that's good news!

The other really exciting thing we did this week was get a puppy. No, I am not looking forward to sleep deprivation or cleaning up messes off the floor or any of the other nonsense that goes with pup training. I have a lot of help, however, which is wonderful. Especially from Superman, which is an unlikely source for pet care in the last decade or so.

Our little Chocolate E-Claire!

We've named our newest member Ellie-Mae Claire and she's a Chocolate Lab. One of her nick-names is Chocolate E-Claire (yeah, Superman's idea...) We like her and so far she's proving to be pretty bright. We expect her to be rather large and that could be interesting as we are planning on her being a mostly inside dog.

I am very much looking forward to school being out soon. Snap and Pop have until the 19th, which is not soon enough for me. Snap is now way behind as he's been out for the last week. Crackle has been out of school since the end of May. That is also kind of a stress for me as well; As you might imagine. We have, however, started receiving some Behavioral Support, and that has been tremendous. If only they could stay for like six hours a day... Just kidding... kind of.

I've also had some interesting news regarding my health. It turns out I have the same thing my mother has --hyperparathyroidism. The worst symptom, apparently, is bone loss leading to osteoporosis, so I will be having a bone-density test soon. Still unsure what the next course of action will be but that certainly adds to the excitement of my life.

Overall, I'm happy. I hope I don't sound too much like I'm whining. I was more stressed out earlier but I was able to get an extension on the homework I'm (already) behind on and that relieved a lot of stress for me. I have a lot of reading to do and this week's assignments seem less stressful than last weeks so that's good.

A few good things:

• Got dinner out early and it's ready to cook, if only it could cook itself! Haha!
• Pop is doing great in school and we are excited for fifth grade promotion!
• Somehow I am getting caught up on laundry... not sure how that happened but Woohoo!
• I am re-reading a Georgette Heyer (The Grand Sophy) and loving it! I have a whole bunch of book reviews I want/need to write! Thanks to some "donations" from my aunt I have a whole bunch of new books!
• Superman has been extremely patient with me while I figure out this whole medication and illness nonsense. It's nice. 

Avoiding

Today I am escaping. Life is overwhelming me, it happens sometimes.

I had plans but scrapped them due to my terrible mood. I didn't want to bring that negative energy to something intended to help heal and mend. So I stayed home and tried to drown my personal sorrows in Netflix.

Cue the violins because here comes my "reason," "excuse," and otherwise "explanation" for being a bad-mood-dude!

Heard of the chicken and the egg phenomenon? Well, that’s how Depression and Fibromyalgia are connected. Which comes first? That’s a matter of debate.

Recently, when discussing some of my FM (FibroMyalgia) symptoms with my father he asked me, “Have you been diagnosed clinically depressed?” Um. Yeah. Like 15 years ago and I’ve been battling that illness all this time. Mostly with medications so my “crazy”-ness is less noticeable unless I don’t take my meds—which I’m not right now, just got a new prescription today.

Granted stress and other issues/obligations are part of the equation and since I only have three kids at home right now (technically, except Princess is here and not as much "help" as you might think... Just say'n.) I guess I think I can “handle it.” How is that going? Well, let me tell you, not great.

I had Shingles three times. Yep, I’m under 50 and I got Shingles 3 times. Three. Times. The first time I missed my niece’s wedding (husband’s side). The second time I missed my other niece’s wedding (my side). The third time I didn’t take the anti-viral in time and it is still with me. That means that I get “phantom” pain at my “Shingles site” and it feels like pins and needles being poked into me. I take a med for that and it helps (Gabapentin).

The other stuff that gives me the FM diagnosis? I take OTC pain relievers for that. Those include sciatica and general “arthritis” like pain pretty much all over my body. Including migraines. It’s random and differs in severity on a daily and weekly basis.

This is my excuse.

It’s my excuse for not keeping my commitment to write in my blog every day. It’s my excuse for not getting housework done. It’s my excuse for not making my bed or carrying laundry baskets up and down the stairs. It’s my excuse for not exercising.

Most days I am barely functioning so it is a valid “excuse” …erm, reason. I like the term “reason” better than “excuse” because it’s not always that I Do Not want to do those things but If I Do then I know I will be in such severe pain, for days possibly, and it’s just not worth it to me. That’s the difference.

A few things I have learned about my body which may or may not be related to the FM/Depression diagnosis also plague me. I just read that Costic chondritis is a side effect of FM. Huh. I was diagnosed with that “weak/lazy-man’s” asthma-like condition in my teens. Interesting, right? I know I suffered from Depression in my pre-teen and teen years, so is that because I had FM already? I’m curious about this. Does this exempt me from my “lazy” life? I don’t know, but I do know that it is a battle I am here and now fighting with a good fight.

Here I am, I’m telling you this “inner-most secret” about myself because this is part of my goal for my writing and my blog. If you suffer from this kind of debilitating pain and dis-ease, you are not alone. I know I need to hear that a lot. I need to hear that I really am not “lazy” but that I am ill and as an illness I have hope for, maybe not a “cure” but for ease from my symptoms. I have to have hope. I just have to.

I hope that if I exercise (stretch/do yoga/walk) that I will be eased from my symptoms and my FM can be managed. I hope that if I talk with a doctor I can get the right medications to ease my pain on a more regular basis. I have hope that someday I can live in a house that does not have stairs so some of the work I have to do can be done by me and I don’t have to rely on my family (kids).

I have hope that my quality of life will improve and I can feel productive again. Yes. Because Hope is the opposite of Fear which exacerbates my Depression and depresses my spirit (I mean gumption, not my “Spirit”) and feeds the FM.

Regardless of whether I had FM first or Depression first I know that what I have now is a full-body illness that takes all my energy to battle. I am trying to go into this battle with a smile and Chuck Norris attitude and I will kick its ugly little painful butt with my Hope, and a few meds, and embrace the life I want. The life I keep putting off for the day “I feel better.”

So, in essence, I’m back. Back with a vengeance. Okay, it's a saying. I don't really have any "venge" for anyone, except my stupid body for not doing what I want/need it to do.

Obsession or Escapism

I keep avoiding posting to my blog because I don't know what to say. I feel bad because I committed to posting every day for a year and I've been neglectful for several weeks.
I don't have a "good excuse." I've written a few things --as explanation-- but not sure it matters so I'm just going to jump in where I am.

So, I've started watching Arrested Development. I haven't watched the new season that's only available on Netflix because I'm one of those that doesn't like to jump in at the end of the game so I'm starting from the beginning. I'm currently on Season 2. I'm a little obsessed and cannot stop watching. Ugh.

I do this.

I don't mind so much but it's distracting, to say the least.

I read entire series at once because I can't stand the suspense. And here I am watching complete series. Recently I "absorbed" Call the Midwife and all of Mad Men and now I can't watch the new season because we don't have regular TV.

Another series I'm addicted to is ending tonight, Psych. I buy the episodes via Amazon because we can watch those via our Samsung Blu-Ray player. I suppose I could buy the Mad Men episodes and also, The Glades --all of Season 3-- which has yet to be released via Netflix. Ugh, so frustrating.

With summer break starting soon I hope to watch all of the Star Trek (original and TNG) TV episodes as well as introducing (indoctrinating?) my children into Doctor Who. I'm not quite convinced yet but I hear so much about it and being a student of story, I'm interested to see what all the fuss is about.

Oh, and yes, I'm still watching Buffy (Season 5) and Angel (Season 2).

I do have other things to do. I surround myself with my "To-Do" list, including my sewing, knitting and currently, about four loads of laundry to be folded. Yuck.

What else is going on?

• Sunshine has three dates this weekend with three different guys. Booyah!
• Princess is living at home, kind of. Most of her stuff is at her "Nannying" job but she mostly only works on weekends. During the week she's here making a mess. LOL 
• Snap is working hard (maybe?) and practicing for a musical performance on Friday.
• Crackle is doing okay.
• Pop is at Six Flags Magic Mountain with Princess today. 

And stay tuned! We have an exciting addition coming to our family!