I had plans but scrapped them due to my terrible mood. I didn't want to bring that negative energy to something intended to help heal and mend. So I stayed home and tried to drown my personal sorrows in Netflix.
Cue the violins because here comes my "reason," "excuse," and otherwise "explanation" for being a bad-mood-dude!
Heard of the chicken and the egg phenomenon? Well, that’s
how Depression and Fibromyalgia are connected. Which comes first? That’s a
matter of debate.
Recently, when discussing some of my FM
(FibroMyalgia) symptoms with my father he asked me, “Have you been diagnosed
clinically depressed?” Um. Yeah. Like 15 years ago and I’ve been battling that
illness all this time. Mostly with medications so my “crazy”-ness is less
noticeable unless I don’t take my meds—which I’m not right now, just got a new prescription today.
Granted stress and other issues/obligations are part of the
equation and since I only have three kids at home right now (technically, except Princess is here and not as much "help" as you might think... Just say'n.) I guess I think I
can “handle it.” How is that going? Well, let me tell you, not great.
I had Shingles three times. Yep, I’m under 50 and I got
Shingles 3 times. Three. Times. The first time I missed my niece’s wedding
(husband’s side). The second time I missed my other niece’s wedding (my side).
The third time I didn’t take the anti-viral in time and it is still with me.
That means that I get “phantom” pain at my “Shingles site” and it feels like
pins and needles being poked into me. I take a med for that and it helps
(Gabapentin).
The other stuff that gives me the FM diagnosis? I take OTC
pain relievers for that. Those include sciatica and general “arthritis” like
pain pretty much all over my body. Including migraines. It’s random and differs
in severity on a daily and weekly basis.
This is my excuse.
It’s my excuse for not keeping my commitment to write in my
blog every day. It’s my excuse for not getting housework done. It’s my excuse
for not making my bed or carrying laundry baskets up and down the stairs. It’s
my excuse for not exercising.
Most days I am barely functioning so it is a valid “excuse”
…erm, reason. I like the term “reason” better than “excuse” because it’s not
always that I Do Not want to do those things but If I Do then I know I will be
in such severe pain, for days possibly, and it’s just not worth it to me.
That’s the difference.
A few things I have learned about my body which may or may
not be related to the FM/Depression diagnosis also plague me. I just read that Costic
chondritis is a side effect of FM. Huh. I was diagnosed with that
“weak/lazy-man’s” asthma-like condition in my teens. Interesting, right? I know I suffered
from Depression in my pre-teen and teen years, so is that because I had FM
already? I’m curious about this. Does this exempt me from my “lazy” life? I
don’t know, but I do know that it is a battle I am here and now fighting with a
good fight.
Here I am, I’m telling you this “inner-most secret” about
myself because this is part of my goal for my writing and my blog. If you
suffer from this kind of debilitating pain and dis-ease, you are not alone. I
know I need to hear that a lot. I need to hear that I really am not “lazy” but
that I am ill and as an illness I have hope for, maybe not a “cure” but for
ease from my symptoms. I have to have hope. I just have to.
I hope that if I exercise (stretch/do yoga/walk) that I will
be eased from my symptoms and my FM can be managed. I hope that if I talk with
a doctor I can get the right medications to ease my pain on a more regular
basis. I have hope that someday I can live in a house that does not have stairs
so some of the work I have to do can be done by me and I don’t have to rely on
my family (kids).
I have hope that my quality of life will improve and I can
feel productive again. Yes. Because Hope is the opposite of Fear which
exacerbates my Depression and depresses my spirit (I mean gumption, not my “Spirit”)
and feeds the FM.
Regardless of whether I had FM first or Depression first I
know that what I have now is a full-body illness that takes all my energy to
battle. I am trying to go into this battle with a smile and Chuck Norris
attitude and I will kick its ugly little painful butt with my Hope, and a few
meds, and embrace the life I want. The life I keep putting off for the day “I
feel better.”
So, in essence, I’m back. Back with a vengeance. Okay, it's a saying. I don't really have any "venge" for anyone, except my stupid body for not doing what I want/need it to do.
