Honesty

I want to get back into my commitment. I have let my blog go as I wrestle with my health, my kid (Crackle), school and just, I don't know, winter lazy. I don't really believe in "lazy" but, yeah, that's how it's been since I have not been feeling well enough to do very much.

Chronic systemic pain can be stifling. Bummer.

Yesterday I found Emily Eddington on YouTube and I am trying very hard to not got back to her page today. I Must. Do. Homework. I Must. Do. Laundry.

I have at least one Guest Blogger post to put up (sorry Julie!) and so many more in my head. 

My goal for my blog was to be honest. I am putting myself out there, saying things "that are better left unsaid," (thanks Dad!) because I want to empower others. Every day is a  struggle for me just to function. Depression, Fibromyalgia, the overwhelming responsibility of having a special needs child, sometimes renders me un-functional. I hate it. I also know it's okay. It's okay for me to fail because I believe in second (tenth?) chances and starting over... and over, and over... just trying to get "it' right. I don't know if I'll ever feel like I've "made it," because my goals are so big and so much more than I can actually DO right now, which is more frustrating than I can express. 

One thing I can say is that I never quit. Doors close on me but that doesn't mean I quit. 

It looks like it will be another year before I graduate. I am killing myself to try and get everything done to do my student teaching by Fall 2013 and it's not going to happen. It's just not. So I cannot graduate until that is finished and it's not going to be until next spring. Disappointed? Yes. Very. But I'm not in a place where I would be looking for a job right away anyway. And maybe now I can work on my MFA applications (they might let me start even though I haven't technically graduated). We'll see. Doors close, but windows open. I believe that.

Today I have done all that I tell myself to do in the mornings. I have read my scriptures, journaled, listed my daily GrAttitudes and caught up with my social networks (even work ones!) and that is my Morning Goals. I struggle with that on weekdays because of being interrupted. 

I am in pain. My entire right side is killing me. It's horrible. And no amount of Excedrin/Advil is doing the trick. I see my doctor on Tuesday and am planning on getting some Gabapentin if nothing  else. This not-being-able-to-function nonsense is for the birds. Bleh. and ARGH!

Superman is out of town. I told Snap he could go to Six Flags. Crackle is doing his disappearing act daily and I cannot stop it. He apparently got into an altercation yesterday and came home believing someone was after him. Lovely. Maybe today he will stick around and I won't have to call the police. [crossingfingers] Pop is bored. Oh. Well.

So there it is. In all its ugliness. I am determined not to be unhappy today. I am striving to CHOOSE to be happy in spite of feeling overwhelmed, in pain and frustrated with everything around me. It's a struggle. I am not convinced that it's a choice every day for me, but today I am making that choice and ByGollyByGosh I'm trying. 

That's all I can ask of myself. And it's less than I would ask of others.