Heartbreak

I woke up this morning sobbing. yeah, not so normal for me. And there is only one reason.

My meds.

I have not made a secret out of the fact that I have Depression. Major, Clinical Depression. Not, wow, I feel sad, lower-case depression, but full blown, chemical malfunction, I need serotonin Depression.

It's okay. I know some people still believe that it's in my head. And, well, it kind of is, but not in the way that they think.

When I was first diagnosed 15 years ago they "made" me watch this silly animated version of little serotonin squigglies not quite doing what they were supposed to be doing. You know that whole, This is your brain on... yeah, well, my brain doesn't do what "your" brain does. It sucks all my serotonin back into itself so I have to take a serotonin re-uptake inhibitor. aka SRI, or in my case, an SSRI. Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitor. Fun for me. NOT.

Anyway, I have already digressed, which I am wont to do... I ran out of my SSRI (aka Effexor, or Venlafaxine as it is known on the Generic market) last week. I ordered more but they have yet to arrive. In the meantime it only takes one day for me to notice. Usually I get cranky, or angry. This time I am a freaking Basket case. Ugh. 

Yesterday I slept. I had nightmares. I dreamed that my sweet Sunshine was a cold-hearted assassin. We joke that she's a Ninja but this was awful. Now I would blame some of my nasty drama that I love so much (The Walking Dead, anyone?) except that I hadn't watched any yet. I saved that for later in the day. (Ha.) Her and one of my nieces had taken the job of "bill-collector" for the "family business" and they took their job rather seriously. I went on a ride-along with my daughter and was horrified. 

Okay, now that I write it out it sounds kind of funny. Figures. But I was bothered, okay?

Then last night I dreamed a movie-dream. I do that. The only person I remember was Steve Zahn. He was a young man with a "Harry Potter" -ish life. Only instead of "saving the day" like Harry did, Steve fell in love, with the rich girl. I am now remembering sharks. Really? Anyway, so Steve and Rich girl made a baby. They got married but without Daddy's blessing, I'm talking Rich Daddy. This is sounding trivial but it was quite real to me because I was the sister. I was along for the ride for all of this. I watched it unfold and I watched it fall apart. Because without money and without whatever it was that was allowing Harry/Steve to continue at school they got odd jobs and were starving. 

Eventually they broke up (which is heartbreaking in and of itself) and the baby? Oh, they had the baby. Then in their mutually selfish behavior and maybe even finger-pointing, they neglected the baby and it died. 

The baby died.

In my dream I was the only one that cared. 
They let their baby die.
Then I woke up.

It was crazy but I started crying immediately. I was completely heartbroken. They let their love die, then they let their baby die. It was a boy. In the dream, as the sister to the father of the baby, I was hounding him and bugging him, "Where is the baby?" 
He just shrugged and said, "Oh, he died." And changed the subject.

I know. I'm crazy.

My husband heard me sobbing (I tried to hide in the bathroom) and between my gulps I told him how crazy it was but really all I've been able to say about the whole thing was, "There was a baby that died and I was the only one that cared." 

Nothing reveals the lack of humanity to me than that. They let the baby die.

I cried for like, an hour. Then I called Gypsy and she talked me down. Thank God for her! There were a whole lot of other things that came out then, like how I fear not being loved and rejection. 

Then I turned on my computer and I saw the news. 

Sandy. 

And I spent all morning crying about a stupid dream? It was more than that, I realize, but the point was I did draw out of myself enough to see that I was and am blessed. Yes, crap happens. Yes, crap happens to me. But today, I was warm. I was safe. My family was intact. Everyone I knew (so far) was okay. There was lots to be sad about, lots to be worried about but really, my little corner of the universe was okay.

I had a few more bouts on and off today. I got the giggles a little later. Then it was a roller-coaster all afternoon and into this evening. I'm better right now. I'm about to go to sleep though...