Purpose

I suppose there are lots of ways to say this; reason, passion, “why.” Sometimes I wish I could let it go, just live my life and take what comes and be content. I mentioned in my Gratitude post that I have been discontent and a lot of that comes from feeling that I have not and am not reaching my potential. I feel that I have a purpose greater than just existing. I think I matter. Arrogant of me, isn’t it?

However, I feel that every living being matters. Everything, all things that have an energy source influences others with energy sources. I think the gift of being human is the ability to communicate, build relationships and grow. I think that people that stagnate must be miserable. I could be wrong. I only really know how I feel and I have struggled with my purpose for a very long time.

So, what kind of influence do I want to be? What kind of influence do YOU want to be?

I do believe my role as mother is important. I think my kids are intelligent, fascinating individuals. I enjoy them. I enjoy their quirks. If I never ever publish a thing or do more than post a few blogs I will be satisfied with my children. They are brilliant and exciting and I am so glad I recognize that.

I adore my husband. Sometimes I think it’s disgusting how much I love him. He challenges me. He inspires me to be better. He teaches me. He humbles me. [Insert riotous laughter here, because anyone who knows us knows how much we are like rotating magnets sometimes!] I am learning to embrace my role as wife, and now, homemaker.

I have finally, FINALLY, found peace in my search for a “career” in that I believe that staying home and being a mother and wife and homemaker is a worthy and valuable occupation. I am now working to hone the domestic skills I have for so long disdained as beneath me. I am actually embarrassed to admit that. I have always admired women that enjoyed their role as stay-at-home-homemaker, wife and mother. I could not seem to be happy with that. I was always in pursuit of something more. Recently I have finally figured out that I don’t want more. I am content with that. It’s kind of weird, actually.

I am also at peace with my desires to be a writer. It is not a “hobby,” nor is it necessarily in pursuit of the capricious dollar. I write. I blog. I Facebook. I Twitter. I hope to finish. I hope to publish. I hope to get the recalcitrant $-advance-$ that has so far eluded me. If nothing else, I hope to complete a project, or preferably, many projects. My ideas excite me!

I know my purpose. Finally. At last I have some peace when it comes to my life and my destiny.

As I said before, I have envied those that never questioned their purpose. Those that have been comfortable with what they have been given, and maybe I have been mistaken in believing that more people exist that have this understanding than actually do. I don’t know. What I know is that I am not a young twenty-year-old college student, which is when I would have liked to have reached this point.

However, I am satisfied that I have reached it at all and am now pursuing only those things that fall within the realm I accept as my responsibility. All else gets extracted or at least set aside for a later time when I can include that aspect back into my schedule.

As the preacher wrote, “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.”

Gratitude

At the beginning of November we received a lesson on Gratitude in our Relief Society. Sister Garrick gave each of us a little notebook to write five things we are grateful for each morning. We were to think of those things throughout the day. I was happy to fulfill this assignment and when I missed a day I would write the date on the top of the page and leave it blank so that I would be reminded that I needed to be more grateful in the future. I will probably purchase my own Gratitude Journal when this one has been filled because I like doing it. I like thinking of things. I have been amused but also contemplative over the things that I’ve written; from my children to the color Pink.

I have also thought about why I feel grateful. It seems that I have been discontent over many things throughout my life and I believe that discontent is bred from lack of gratitude so I have had to give this some thought. Why am I discontent? What things make me feel that way? Is it real? Is it something I can change? What connects us to gratitude or the lack thereof? I have had a lot of ideas pass through my head including selfishness, pride and expectations.

Selfishness as a lack of gratitude seems obvious to me. If you are totally obsessed with yourself than it is difficult to be grateful for anything. Selfishness and pride go hand in hand so if you feel proud or another word for it would be entitled than you would not be feeling grateful. If you given what you feel you deserve than you just feel justified, not necessarily grateful.

The idea of Expectations leading to ingratitude was a new idea for me. If we have certain expectations of a person or event we are likely to be disappointed and sometimes disappointment is ingratitude. To expect has some positive meanings as well, however the problem I have with it is when you pin your hopes or happiness on someone else’s behavior you are really setting yourself up for unhappiness and frustration. When we feel disappointment in someone else we are expressing a certain kind of judgment based on our perspective. That can be very touchy. I believe it is right for a parent to have certain expectations of their children, why bother teaching them otherwise? By the same token, I would expect for a teacher to have expectations of their students. However, even that can be tricky because if the teacher is inadequate than the students will not learn so their expectations are moot.

See? It’s very tricky.

Overall I believe that be grateful means you look at things as if the glass were half full. You strive to be positive and seek the good even in bad situations. Even as I write this I am icing my back because I did something to it and I can’t stand up straight. I do not have time for this. It is holiday season, not a good time to be sick or hurt or confined or any of those restrictive things. However, what a great excuse to sit and write! It is also an opportunity for others to serve me!

I learned long ago to watch what I say because if you say, “It can’t get worse,” it will. If you say “I would never!” Then you probably will. And if you say, “I will be happy when…” You will probably not find happiness in anything. All those thoughts promote ingratitude. Instead think, “What am I supposed to be learning?” or “Who is to benefit from my being here?” and, I believe almost most importantly, “What can I do to help someone else be happier today?” because the best way to find happiness is to lose yourself in another. The best way to show gratitude is to share of yourself, your time and your energy.

The Meaning of Life

I have finally decided on the “theme” for my blog. Yep, it’s The Meaning of Life. Yeah, that might be a rather broad area but really it’s about the Meaning of YOUR life, or MY life. I was trying to figure out how to encompass all the things that fascinate and pique my interest while at the same time what I could contribute to the mass that is blogosphere. I decided on Meaning because that was something that really hit me as was sitting at a desk for fifteen months answering the phone and filing paperwork in duplicate and triplicate. I contemplated the meaning of what I was doing and was disappointed in myself for not feeling like what I was doing was contributing more to the betterment of mankind.

So in truth, I was glad to be fired. The shock at first was sadness, a little anger but then relief and then excitement as I realized I would now have TIME to do all those things I was upset about NOT doing for the betterment of mankind because I didn’t think I had time.

Serendipity. It’s fascinating, is it not? Sometimes things happen that appear to be random yet on retrospect seem providential and fortuitous. That’s how I now feel about losing my job. I miss the people I worked with but I don’t miss the monotonous and mundanity of the day-to-day tasks that were required of me.

I suppose that’s how I feel about housework as well, except when I can actually see the rewards of my efforts at home, such as a house that looks like a home because we put pictures up. Or a piece of paper I can now find because it’s filed appropriately. Those things make me happy but they do not define me. To define me means to look at all those aspects of me that most people don’t look at, don’t think about. I am complex in my uniqueness but not in my humanity. I need to feel loved, as do all humans. I also need to feel useful, which most humans also recognize. However, to feel truly useful I need to be writing. I need to be uplifting. I need to be teaching.

I have already decided that to be a public school teacher is NOT for me. This morning I looked at a list of up and coming jobs that would be high paying without a lot of education and one listed was a Physician’s Assistant. Hmm, I thought. Now there’s a worthwhile career! But if I go back to school it would be to finish what I’ve already started and go into that very cool Master’s Program I really want to do! That’s my impetus. That would simply give me more reason to write and read. Are you laughing? You should be, it’s so me!

I am writing more. Not as much as I would like to yet, but I’m getting in the habit. Thanks to National Novel Writing Month and other writers inspiration that I tap into now and again. It seems that there are millions of “wanna-be” writers out there but I don’t care. I want to be a writer. I want to publish. I want to make a difference to someone. I want somebody somewhere to read something I’ve written and think, “Oh I know how that feels! I’m not alone!”

So if writing is my Meaning than what I will be writing will hopefully help you to figure out YOUR meaning. Maybe give you an idea and maybe even the tools to BECOME what you dream. I believe in myself. I believe anyone can do anything. I have always believed that. My parents instilled in me that belief and although I might sometimes forget, or be sidetracked (YaThink?) but it is still there. That basic conviction that all of us have the power within us to be whatever we want to be, even if it seems impossible, improbable or even foolish to others. I have proved it to myself already. So if you need to prove it to yourself than stay tuned. I’ll tell you how!